Bras, Lipgloss, and a Pair of Panties
by books4evah
Summary: Stalking expeditions... colonized dishes of mashed potatoes... an imminent under wear burning party... and another two romance s . All the symptoms of the sequel to Boxers, Razors, and a Pair of Tweezers. FrankAlice, JamesLily, GideonEmmeline.


Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except the excerpt in the beginning. I actually do own that. Kind of.

AN: Yeah! A sequel! To Boxers, Razors, and a Pair of Tweezers! **(You might want to read Boxers, Razors, and a Pair of Tweezers first, to get some of the story!)** I seriously never thought I'd do a sequel! They're usually not as good as the originals, just like Disney sequels! But here's a sequel! Okay! Too many exclamation points! Argh! I'm going to stop now! Yeah! Anyway, to clear anything up, the first part takes place before Boxers, Razors, and a Pair of Tweezers, and the second part takes place two month later. Hope you like it!

-&-

"_Anyway_," Marlene interrupted. "On with the truth part. Who do you have a crush on?"

Frank turned a shade of bright red, to make Lily's hair envious. "Um…"

"It's that Alice girl, isn't it?" Lily smirked.

"That sixth year?" Marlene asked.

Frank looked down and nodded a bit.

"You like a _sixth _year! How could you?" Marlene demanded.

"What's so bad about that?" Frank asked.

"She's a year younger! You're going out with a younger girl!"

"Sirius does it all the time!"

"Yeah, but Black already dated all the girls his age that aren't in Slytherin and are acceptable! You haven't!"

"Marlene, give it a rest," Lily intervened, before Marlene blew a fuse. "I think it's cute."

"Cute?" Marlene asked disgustedly.

"Yeah, they'd look good together!"

Marlene looked skeptical.

"And think of all the round-faced, clumsy, Herbologist, children with weird names like 'Neville' they'll have together!"

Marlene smiled. "Awww…. That _does_ sound cute. And add on the name 'Longbottom', with all the hidden meanings we all know it has…"

"Shut up! It's an ancient name, that comes from Latin some how!"

"Yes," Marlene said, attempting to keep a straight face. "It came from Longus Bottomus, the clan of Romans whose arses were long and droopy."

"Thanks…"

-_books4evah, Boxers, Razors, and a Pair of Tweezers_

_Thirty years ago to today, a story was enacted. A story of true love, adventure, enchanted castles, and a carnivorous grindylow dubbed "Grindy". That story is for another time. But, the characters have played many parts in their time. Friends, antagonists, lovers, transvestites… And this is a tale of those characters in parts new to them. This is the tale of_

**Bras, Lipgloss, and a Pair of Panties**

"Buh-dum, buh-dum, buh-dum-buh-dum-buh-dum, buh-dum, buh-duuuuuuuuum," Marlene hummed, making her way through the dank corridors, holding up her gun, and staying on her guard. She was on her way to defeat Kettleburn, the evil overlord, who was planning on taking over the nation of Hogwarts, and enslave everyone, and-

"Marlene, will you _stop_ humming the Pink Panther theme? It's getting really annoying!" Frank exclaimed exasperatedly.

Marlene spun around quickly, pointing her hands (held together as if they were a gun), at Frank.

"Oh… it's just you," she muttered, going back to humming.

Frank groaned. "Stop it! Or, so help me, I will get out the duct tape!"

Marlene pouted. "But it helps with the mood! It's so secret agent-ish!"

"Marlene, you _aren't _a secret agent. And you'll never be. You're a _witch_."

"Well, that's not a very nice thing to say," Marlene huffed, turning around, but not before she practically collapsed, laughing.

"I swear," Frank murmured to himself. "Sirius's had too much of an influence on you…"

"Okay, so maybe I was a bit serious… but why is it frowned upon to have a bit of fun? Merlin, you all are uptight."

"Am not!"

"What are you talking about? You practically have a stick up your"-

"Don't say it!"

"Say what? I was just going to say arse. You sure you aren't the one that needs to grow up?"

Frank snorted. "No, I'm pretty sure that's still you."

Marlene rolled her eyes, and continued ahead, muttering to herself something along the lines of, "Can't even bloody handle a shitty curse word. The bastard's fucked up…"

Of course, there were more obscenities than that.

Frank shook his head in disbelief, and followed behind the grumbling Gryffindor, smiling at his alliteration.

"You know, I bet Lily would be more understanding than you, Longbottom," Marlene grouched. "And I bet she would"-

"Be able to handle curse words," Frank finished. "Yeah, I know. It's not like you've said it millions of times already…"

Marlene scowled, and leaned on the railing of the staircase she was on, waiting for Frank to catch up with her.

Frank stepped onto the staircase, and began to ascend it, with a chatter-box next to him (Marlene, obviously).

"But nooooo… she had to go to Care of Magical Creatures early to try and see if there was anything she could do to improve that stupid essay, which doesn't even need improvement! Why the bloody hell does she have to be a stupid teacher's pet? _Why?_"

And it would have continued on like that if there wasn't a cry of distress from behind them.

Frank turned around, and there was a girl with golden locks, from Gryffindor, galloping towards them. Okay, that was enough alliteration for the day.

Anyway, there was what looked like a sixth year dashing toward them.

"The staircase!" she cried, and that was all that it took Frank.

He waved his wand, and the staircase froze. Frank offered the girl a hand, and beaming at him, she took it, hopping the slight gap between the staircase and the floor.

"Thank you so much," she said, panting slightly. "The staircases always leave without me. And then the next staircase takes me to the most obscure places in the castle. And where on earth did you learn that spell?"

"No problem," Frank answered, grinning. "And you just wave it, and say the Latin word for 'stop'. It's really simple."

"Well, thanks again. I'm Alice," the sixth year said, extending her hand.

"Frank. And that's Marlene," Frank said, jabbing his thumb towards a surly Marlene.

"Hey. Yeah, well, I'm off to Herbology. What about you?" Alice asked, walking down the staircase next to Frank, as Marlene plodded behind.

"We're off to Care of Magical Creatures. With dear old Kettleburn."

Alice laughed. Frank loved her laugh. It was a twinkling sort of sound, and was quite refreshing, compared to Marlene's snort. "I feel sorry for you. He's an old hag. I'm surprised he's still living."

Marlene snorted softly behind them. "_Finally_, someone who agrees with me…"

"Well, it was nice meeting you," Alice said. "But I really must be off. I don't want to be late!"

Frank smiled at her, and kept smiling as she gracefully scurried in front of him, in a hurry to get to Herbology on time.

Marlene slunk up next to him. "You _so_ like her."

"Is it that obvious?"

"YES."

"Do you think she could tell?"

"Either that, or she's blind."

"Damn."

"I feel your pain, bro'."

Frank raised an eyebrow at her.

"Shutting up now."

"Do you suppose she's single?"

"I don't know. Why don't you ask her?"

Frank looked at Marlene.

"_What?_ How do expect me to shut up when you want me to answer your question at the same time?"

"I really don't care Marlene. But, do you think she might like me back?"

"Look, if you like her so much, why don't you stalk her? It always works for me."

Frank looked at Marlene, eyes widened. "You're a _genius,_ Marlene."

Then Frank proceeded to drag Marlene down a shortcut the marauders had been so generous in showing Frank the year prior, in order to get to the entranceway before Alice.

As soon as they got there, Frank positioned himself next to the door that lead outside, and to the greenhouses.

"You know, I was JOKING."

Frank kept his eyes on the hallway leading to the doors, ignoring Marlene.

"I'm not the only crazy one around here, Longbottom."

"Yeah, there's Sirius."

"Shut up. You're taking this pretty far. I had no idea you liked her this much," Marlene said, winking. "But, why the hell are we doing this?"

"Because! I wait for her to leave for the greenhouses, and I open the door for her, and our eyes meet, and voila!"

"Okay, you're sounding worse than me after I read a cheesy romance novel, right now, Frank. And that's not a good thing, just in case you're wondering."

"I figured that."

"It's not like girls even"-

"Shhhhh! She's coming!" Frank hissed, and shoved Marlene back into the corner, not caring how hard her shoved her, because, right now, he didn't want her messing up his chances with Alice, who was turning the corner.

Wow. In that light, he really did sound like a creepy stalker.

But Frank shoved that thought into the back of his head, and placed himself casually against the door.

"Frank?" Alice asked, with a bit of a smile.

"Yep. The one and only."

"You got down here fast," Alice commented, eying him.

Frank shrugged. "I'm fast on my feet."

"Liar," Marlene hissed from the corner, and Frank pointed his wand at her behind his back, and thought as loud as possible _silencio_.

"Well, I wouldn't be able to catch up with you, for one. Good thing I'm not the one walking with you."

Frank flinched.

"Speaking of that, where's Marlene?"

"Oh, she's somewhere…" Frank said, hoping he didn't sound too suspicious, and wincing internally at himself.

"When you see her, be sure to give her my regards on keeping up with you," Alice laughed softly.

"Of course," Frank said, hoping Marlene had hit her head hard enough to not come wandering out. Frank sighed inwardly at his thoughts. He was a horrible friend.

"Sorry," Alice said, Frank's thoughts interrupted. "But I really should be getting to Herbology. If you don't mind…"

Frank sprung up from his leaning stance, and opened the door for Alice, with a little bow and everything, like a perfect gentleman.

Alice giggled. "Thank you, kind sir. It was nice talking to you for the second time today."

And with that, she was off, and around the corner.

Frank sighed, and leaned against the doorframe, gazing at the spot where she just was, memorizing the exact way her hips bobbed while she walked.

Until, of course, he felt a hand making contact with his skull, nails scraping across his skin.

After blacking out for a second, Frank looked back at the person whose hand had struck him.

Marlene.

Who else?

"What is it, Marlene?" Frank sighed, still not able to get Alice completely off his mind.

Marlene glared at him, and pointed to her throat.

Frank sighed again, but this time because he did not particularly want to let Marlene be able to talk again.

But he knew that she was perfectly able to kill a person with only her left thumb. Or with only a sickle. Or a paper cup. Or a lot of other things, but Frank didn't have to time to go other them. So he just stuck with the safe option of reversing the spell.

As soon as he did, Marlene slapped him over the head again.

"What?" Frank asked.

"You didn't have to do that, you know. Not all girls aspire to be princesses. That dream is usually over by the time they come to Hogwarts."

"That doesn't mean the dream is totally dead in all ways possible," Frank pointed out.

"What would you know about it?" Marlene questioned suspiciously. "Do you have some sort of experience?"

"No. Don't be"-

"I KNEW it! You WERE a girl once! Lily's going to have to filch over those galleons now!"

"You bet on whether I was once a GIRL?"

"_What?_ I was short on cash."

"Whatever," Frank said, shaking his head in disbelief.

The pair trotted down the steps, and dashed down the steep hill to where Kettleburn's class took place.

As Frank and Marlene collapsed down on the grass, near where Lily was scribbling intently, catching onto Kettleburn's every word, the two didn't even bother to take out their things, instead choosing to chat quietly. Kettleburn's class was a big joke, and everyone knew that. Even Sirius could pass that class with flying colors.

"You know what I just realized?" Marlene asked, unscrewing her nail polish.

"What?"

"That spell you used to stop the staircase?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Well," Marlene started, scrunching up her face in total concentration on her nails getting the perfect coat of paint. "It's just that you never used it during the many times when _I_ missed the staircase."

"So?"

"A little biased, huh?"

Frank blushed, and turned his head a bit away.

Just as Marlene opened her mouth to interrogate further, the voices of Kettleburn and Lily cut clear above the murmurs of the class.

"Lillian, can you tell me how a Kneazle's diet changes on the twenty-ninth of February?"

"Professor, my name is Lily."

"Wait… are you not Miss Evans?"

"I am Miss Evans."

"Then I believe your name is Lillian…"

OOOOO

Alice trotted up the steps to the Entrance Hall, and practically skipped into the Great Hall. A beaming smile was plastered on her face. She had just bumped into Gideon Prewett.

Who was the cutest seventh year ever.

His twin brother was Fabian Prewett, who was one of Alice's best friends.

Gideon was certainly dreamy, and that was for sure. He wasn't a bloody awesome Quidditch player for nothing. From what Alice had seen, he definitely had a sculpted body.

But, she couldn't help but remember that Frank Longbottom was Keeper on the Quidditch team. And he must have a sculpted body too.

He was pretty cute.

Not as hot as Gideon, but no guy could touch Gideon.

Frank had been so nice. Such a gentleman. Which was a lost art, nowadays. Alice had felt sort of like a princess with him.

But, the thoughts of Frank Longbottom were short-lived. A glimpse of Gideon brushed all thoughts of another guy from Alice's mind.

Alice sank down in front of the Gryffindor table, resting her face in her palm, and gazing over toward the part of the table, where Gideon sat currently.

"Somebody's ecstatic today, hm?" Emmeline said, sitting down in the seat across from Alice.

"Let me guess…. That new muggle stuff? Crack?" Dorcas questioned, a smirk on her face, as she threw herself onto the seat next to Alice.

"I hear you can get three pounds for a sickle in some places," Emmeline said.

Alice smiled. "No. I'm afraid I don't have any."

"Drat!" Emmeline exclaimed. "I was going to steal some from you!"

"I've always wanted a friend who did drugs," Dorcas sighed dramatically.

Alice snorted. "Sure. Just like you've always wanted a friend who killed the Pope."

"Well, it's an interesting conversation starter."

"Who's it this time?" Emmeline asked.

"What?" Alice asked, taken aback.

"Who's your lover?"

"How the bloody hell do you guys always know?" Alice whined.

"Every time you have a crush, you go all dreamy. It's sort of annoying," Emmeline stated.

"Thanks."

"Just tell us who it is."

"Why don't you guess?"

"The Pope," Dorcas said, nodding coolly.

"The Pope? You know, he's supposed to take a vow of celibacy," Alice pointed out.

"I've always wanted a friend who dated the Pope."

"Why?" Emmeline asked. "So you then can watch the fight between the friend dating the Pope and the friend who killed the Pope?"

Dorcas' eyes widened. "And then I can make money, by selling tickets to the cat fight!"

Alice rolled her eyes. "Do you want to kill the Pope, or date him, Emmeline?"

"Tough choice. If I kill him, the Swiss guards come after me. If I date him, the media comes after me… I think I'll call dibs on killing him. I can handle a few guards in wimpy costumes."

"And I think you just found out who my lover is," Alice snickered.

"_Yes!_" Dorcas cried, pumping her fist in the air.

After a few seconds, Emmeline asked, "No, really, who is it?" at the same time that Dorcas was saying, "The Pope's a great choice, but he might be a bit hard to win over. Who's your second choice?"

Alice snorted. "Okay. But don't tell anyone. I still haven't forgiven you guys for that time you told Benjy Fenwick I thought his boxers were pretty."

"I swear," Dorcas said, her hand on her heart.

"Me too," Emmeline said.

"Emmeline. I know your fingers are crossed."

Emmeline cursed, and uncrossed her fingers.

"Now, tell us!" Dorcas demanded.

Alice bit her lip, but finally spit out, "Gideon Prewett."

"Oh. My. God," Dorcas said, looking about to faint.

Alice laughed, and turned to Emmeline, who was looking strange. "What do you say, Emmeline?"

"That's great. You dating your best friend's brother. Wow. That came out of a tacky romance novel, huh?"

Alice shoved Emmeline.

"Though, I really think you should have chosen Fabian. He's so much cuter!"

Alice shoved Emmeline harder.

"And I do love those stories where the best friends get together!

"Shut up!"

"I propose we come up with a nickname!" Dorcas declared, standing up, and throwing her napkin on the table, loudly enough that other diners stared her way. Dorcas blushed, and sat back down quickly.

"A superior nickname," Emmeline added.

"Well it's got to be better than Fishy, Aladdin, and all of the other nicknames you've given my crushes," Alice drawled.

"Don't worry," Emmeline said, waving away Alice's worries with a bat of her hand.

"How 'bout Mufasa?" Dorcas asked.

"Nah… I thought that was what Fabian wanted to name his firstborn son… it wouldn't work."

"Xavier?"

"Are we trying to name my grandfather?"

"My raspberry flavored limeade on a hot summer day?"

Alice looked on in horror.

"Nice… I like it. But it's too long."

"Why don't we shorten it to Frank?"

Alice raised her eyebrow. These two were just plain strange when it came to nicknaming people.

"That's it," Emmeline beamed.

Alice rolled her eyes, as Dorcas said, "Alice, I now officiate your lover's name to be Frank."

For a second, Alice thought they were talking about Frank Longbottom.

Then it hit Alice. The idea of just how confusing this nickname was going to be.

OOOOO

_Two Months Later_

The English countryside was beautiful at this time of year. Snow coated the fields, and frozen ice encrusted the leafless trees. The world was white, the only break in the monochromatic color scheme being the green of the looming evergreen trees, and the faded red of the cozy brick cottages lining the horizon. Not a even a mouse was stirring, and it seemed as if nothing could interrupt the calm serenity of the scene.

"Hey! Prongs!"

Except for one thing, it appeared.

"Whoo! Prongsie! You listening?"

James ignored Sirius, and continued staring straight out of the window of the scarlet train, that was brightly labeled 'The Hogwarts Express'.

"Moony, my dear werewolf, I think Prongs is ignoring me."

"No. You do think? I thought we already proved that impossible," came the drawling lilt of Remus Lupin, marauder by day, werewolf by night.

James smirked at his little pun.

"Oh! He smiled! You see, Moony! He smiled! He's listening!"

"I thought he was dead," Peter said from his corner, mocking Sirius.

Sirius, of course, did not pick up on the sarcasm in that last statement.

"Oh, he's not dead, Wormtail. See how his chest is moving? That means he's alive," Sirius stated somberly.

Through the reflection on the glass window, James could make out Peter closing his book, and sitting up, saying, "Wow. That was so profound, Padfoot. Wherever did you learn that?"

A little snicker could be heard coming from Remus.

"Ha! I AM smart, Moony! Ta-da!"

James snorted softly, as Remus said, "Okay. You win. You're smart. But we digress."

There was silence.

Then Sirius spoke up. "What does digress mean?"

"You don't know what digress means?" Peter scoffed.

Remus sighed. "I suppose we'll have to take away the smartness."

"Drat!" Sirius exclaimed.

There was a muffled noise behind James, and looking at the reflection in the glass, James found that Sirius had collapsed on the seat behind him, pouting.

"Will you at least tell me what digress means?" Sirius finally whined.

"Here's a dictionary," Remus said, and in the reflection, he threw a fat book at Sirius' stomach.

"Oof!"

"Who says 'oof'?" Peter muttered to himself.

After the sounds of flipping pages, Sirius declared, "To leave the main subject temporarily in speech or writing."

James couldn't help but roll his eyes. It did fit.

"What did we digress with?"

"What?"

"Or, well… what was our main subject? Whatever that is…"

"I believe you were trying to get James' attention," Peter asserted, going back to his book.

"Oh! How could I forget! I have just the thing to get his attention!"

There was the sound of a trunk popping open, and someone ruffling through clothes, books, and a cauldron.

"Voila! This'll do the trick."

There were some impressed gasps from Peter and Remus.

"Oooh, Prongsie! I've got something for you!"

James persisted in staring blindly out the window.

"It's a picture of Lily-poo!"

The countryside was really beautiful… and now they were going over a river. A sparkling, gleaming, almost frosted river.

"Also known as Lils, Lilybean, Lily-flower, and Evans! And other, less appropriate nicknames!"

"Chiefly used by James," Peter added.

James flicked his friends off, keeping his gaze out the window.

"Well, look on the bright side," Sirius said. "At least we know he's alive."

There were several exasperated sighs.

"Didn't you just tell us how to tell if someone's alive?" Remus groaned.

"Oh. I did? Oopsies…"

"Don't you have a James to annoy?"

"Right. Well. I hate that it has to come to this… but…"

"Oh, just spit it out," Peter snapped.

"Ohhhhh Prongsie-_rella!_"

James moaned and turned around, kicking his friend in the shin, hard. "You know I hate that name!"

As Sirius hopped around in pain, the others laughed.

"Merlin damn it! That fucking _hurt!_"

"Look at the bright side," Peter commented. "At least he didn't kick harder."

"Not helping!" Sirius gritted through his teeth.

Remus sighed. "You know, looking back, the picture idea is pretty worthless. I mean, he's dating her now, so it's not like he needs a picture to drool over. He can salivate over the real thing. And do other things with the real thing."

Peter snorted. "I don't think he was just _salivating_ over the picture. If you know what I mean, say no more, say no more," he gestured, elbowing Remus, with a smirk plastered on his face.

"Peter, you have to realize, Sirius isn't the only one in kicking range."

Peter immediately drew his feet up to the protection of his torso.

Sirius had finished jumping around, and was now sprawling over a vast expanse of the floor. He grinned impishly up at James. "Nah… I bet if we went complaining to Evans, and bothered her enough, she'd make him stop. I mean, taking away _you-know-what_ can really convince a guy…"

"You know, I'd really appreciate if you guys didn't talk openly about my sex life."

James' head shot up to the doorway. There was Lily Evans herself, leaning on the doorframe, holding a brightly colored bag in her hand.

His heart shot almost straight through his chest. He hadn't seen his girlfriend in a little over two weeks. Yes, girlfriend. James still couldn't believe it himself. He was a lucky guy, and that was for sure.

"Lily!" he exclaimed, jumping up to hug her.

"Potter!" she laughed, and hugged him back, kissing him quickly.

"I just can't believe she still calls him Potter," Sirius muttered, loud enough that James could hear it.

James purposefully trod on Sirius' leg as he and Lily sat down.

"Ow!"

Lily hit James softly. "Hey! I wanted to do that!"

"Feel free to do," James said, gesturing out to Sirius.

"Oh come on!" Sirius pouted.

"Letting people trod all over him?" Lily laughed. "I'm not _that_ inhumane, Potter."

"Who said anything about inhumane?"

"Yeah," Remus said. "I'd say it is humane."

"His stupidity is a large threat to society."

"Between you and me, Lily," James said, "Sirius isn't even human."

Lily smiled. "Alright. I'll step on Sirius then."

Sirius wailed loudly.

"Don't worry," Lily smirked. "I'm too lazy to do it now."

"So shut your trap," James added.

"Anyway, Potter," Lily said. "I loved your present for me. Best present this year, I'd have to say."

"What did you get her?" Sirius asked. "You never did tell us."

"Because you would go blab it all, and it'd ruin the surprise. Your stupid, big, pie hole ruins all," Peter pointed out.

Sirius glowered at Peter.

"He got me a book, if you were wondering," Lily said.

"A book?" Remus asked, raising an eyebrow. "Everyone gets you books. Sounds so original."

"It was a book on lilies."

"Thanks. That definitely clears up every single, solitary, little whim I have," Remus drawled.

"Well, forget it then," James, said rudely.

"Right. Well, Potter, I know you didn't get your present."

"Don't worry about it," James said. "No problem."

He knew he was just lucky to be dating Lily. He wasn't going to blow it over a silly present.

"I didn't want to send your present through the mail. I didn't want it to be broken."

"Well if you get James something fragile, he's going to break it anyway," Sirius stated.

James kicked Sirius again. "Shut up, you dog."

Lily placed the colorful bag in James lap. "There you go."

James shifted the tissue paper aside, and lifted out a ceramic pot. He chuckled.

"I'll never get what's with those two and pots and lilies…" Sirius muttered, with murmurs of agreement from Peter and Remus.

The pot had a blue and white design, and looking closely, James could make out the design was made up of broomsticks, quaffles, bludgers, and snitches. On the bottom, there was a single, solitary white lily.

"Where did you get this?" James asked, in amazement. There was no way that Quality Quidditch Supplies or Which Broomstick had this in stock.

Lily smiled. "Oh, I just did a bit of spell-work on a plain ceramic pot."

"Lily, that's amazing! I can't believe you did this yourself," James said, stunned.

Lily blushed, and James kissed her on the cheek.

"Ah, ew!" Sirius screeched. "Merlin! PDA is disgusting!"

"My sentiments exactly," Remus nodded.

James sighed. He couldn't even kiss his girlfriend. His girlfriend who he hadn't seen in two weeks.

"Yeah," James said sarcastically. "Why don't we talk about what losers you guys are instead?"

"Nah," Sirius said, dismissing the idea with a wave of the hand. "We are totally awesome. Especially me. I am a god."

"Arrogant much?" Peter asked.

Sirius showed no sign of hearing Peter, other than the rude hand gesture in his direction. "Why don't we talk about how much of a loser Frank is? I mean, he isn't anywhere near as handsome as me."

"You're right," Remus agreed. "He's a hundred times prettier."

Sirius scowled for a moment, but replied, "Are you turning gay on us, Lupin?"

Remus shook his head, frustratedly. James snickered.

"I mean, come on! Frank doesn't even have a girlfriend!"

"I agree with that," Lily snickered. "He really needs to hook up with someone."

"Oooh! We can do it Lily style!"

"What?"

"You know, Frank goes in the girls dormitories, to steal a razor, and comes out with a date, in some weird, messed-up way!"

"Sure," Lily agreed. "You can do that. After you figure out how to get him into the girls dormitories."

"Guys!" Sirius exclaimed. "I just discovered our next project! Finding a way into the girls dormitories!"

"Sorry, Pads," James said. "I already know a way."

"How? Why? When? Where?" Sirius demanded eagerly.

"Sorry. Not sharing. I don't want you molesting Lily. And I think you can figure out what I use it for."

"Why don't we show them?" Lily said, winking at James.

The two latched together, and the other occupants all winced simultaneously.

"Why don't we go somewhere else?" Remus suggested. "It might be safer for our sanity."

Peter glanced at the couple. "I'm with you there, but not just our sanity…"

Sirius jumped up, and followed the other two out, his head staying in, to tell Lily and James, "We're off to bother Frank and Marlene! Ciao baby! And speaking of babies… don't forget to use protection!"

James pointed his hand, in a rude gesture at Sirius.

Sirius laughed loudly, and slammed the door behind him.

OOOOO

"The world is _mine!_" Dorcas cried, plunging her knife dramatically into the dish of mashed potatoes in front of her.

"Dorcas," Emmeline sighed. "Mashed potatoes aren't the world."

Dorcas stared strangely at Emmeline. "What world are _you _living in?"

Emmeline sighed, once again. If only she did live in a world as simple as Dorcas. Alice had a big crush on Gideon, and it was almost the two month anniversary of her crush. And the one month anniversary of Emmeline's crush on Gideon. Emmeline dropped her head at the reminder of how horrible of a friend she was.

"You know what? Fine. But I still claim the mashed potatoes for myself! The mashed potatoes are now part of the Dorcas Meadowes Empire!" Dorcas blabbered on.

Emmeline rolled her eyes. The percentage of student insanity had definitely risen lately. And she could probably point her finger at someone in particular. Sirius Black.

Emmeline giggled to herself as she scooped some mashed potatoes onto her plate.

"Hey! You're not a division of the Dorcas Empire! You're not permissible to garner the remuneration of the Empire's subjugations!"

Emmeline couldn't help snorting. Sirius Black definitely couldn't say anything with vocabulary like that. It must have been Alice's fault. "But you don't have a flag."

"What's the point in a flag? I don't need a flag! Now give me back my potatoes!"

"Nope. No flag, no authority."

"Fine. You want a flag? You'll get a flag," Dorcas said.

She pulled the napkin off a lap of a near-by first year, causing them to emit an alarmed squeak. Grumbling, she began to tie the napkin onto the knife standing crookedly in the mashed potatoes.

Emmeline began to drift off into thoughts of Gideon, who had just sat down at the other side of the Gryffindor table.

"Er, Dorcas? What are you doing?"

Dorcas grunted, and waved behind her, where Alice was standing, looking confused. Emmeline straightened, and blushed, hoping Alice would never find out about what Emmeline was just thinking.

Alice dropped into the seat next to Emmeline, and nearly collapsed into her plate.

"You'd think that the professors wouldn't bury us in homework the day after break ends," she murmured.

"We barely got any," Emmeline commented, cutting her chicken.

"How? That is so unfair. You guys are so lucky…"

"Well, we aren't taking eleven NEWTs. We're only taking seven each," Dorcas pointed out.

"Well, maybe I have plans in life," Alice replied.

Dorcas opened her mouth to protest, but was cut off by Alice.

"Plans _other_ than to become the next Alexander the Great."

"Hey. Dorcas the Awesome sounds good. You have to admit it."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"I plead the fifth."

Dorcas groaned. "You should not be doing your Muggle Studies homework right before talking to us… Muggle stuff doesn't apply to us!"

"Especially American muggle stuff," Emmeline added.

"Ew, America," Dorcas kidded.

"Guys, you know, all the wizarding singers come from America."

"So? Muggle singers are better."

"Muggle singers are also American."

"Drat!" Dorcas said, snapping her fingers.

"Right," Emmeline muttered, raising an eyebrow.

Alice smiled, and turned to Emmeline. "Sorry I didn't get to talk to you last night. I was bloody tired. My brother kept me up half the night, by making me play like fifty thousand games of Gobstones. And I was up the other half of the night trying to get all the goop off of me."

"No problem," Emmeline reassured her.

"So, how was your break?"

"Same old, same old. Hogwarts is fairly predictable when you stay here for Christmas break. What about yours?"

Alice smiled. "I got some nice presents, and I had a lot of family bonding time. Yay. And I went to Diagon Alley with Fabian and Dorcas. End of story."

"Sounds more fun than my break."

"Wait, Alice," Dorcas interrupted. "What about that thing, with Frank, when we were in Diagon Alley?"

"Frank?" Alice asked, blankly.

"You know your lover?" Emmeline said, eyebrow high up on her forehead.

"Gideon?" Dorcas hissed.

"Oh! Well, you can tell, Dorcas, if you want."

"Ah, come on, it's best when you tell it!"

Emmeline looked between her two friends. This sounded interesting.

"Fine. Okay, Emmeline. Worst story ever. You ready?"

"Sure."

"Well, Dorcas, Fabian, and I were hanging out in Diagon Alley. I told you that. We were at Florean Fortescques, when a note dropped into Fabian's lap. He said, 'Oh, yeah, it must be from Frank.' And for a second, I was sort of wide-eyed, because I thought he meant _my_ Frank. And then I realized that he's friends with Frank Longbottom. After he opened it, and read it, he said, 'It's from Gideon. He says he can't come.'"

Dorcas was smiling widely. "Isn't that awesome? It's like Alice was meant for Divination!"

"Then it's a good thing I'm taking it," Alice snorted.

Emmeline bit her lip. She really was such a bad friend…

"Emmeline? Oh, Emmeline?" Dorcas asked, poking Emmeline in the shoulder. "Are you in there?"

Emmeline shook the thoughts out of her head. "Oh, yeah. Just drifted off for a second."

"Well? What'd'ya think? Pretty cool, huh?"

"Yeah… it's kind of weird, though…"

"Alice is kind of weird," Dorcas admitted.

"Hey!" Alice exclaimed, punching Dorcas' arm.

"Ow!" Dorcas cried back, pulling on Alice's ponytail.

Emmeline didn't even moan as her two friends got into a minor fight. She was gazing at Gideon again. She couldn't help it. Why did Gideon have to be so bloody hot? Emmeline winced at her thoughts, and tried to keep from beating herself up. She would, at all costs, and no matter how impossible, be happy for Alice. Alice had dibs on Gideon.

OOOOO

"You know, I've always loved eating gummy bears. Want to know why? They don't fight back when you bite off their heads…"

Remus sighed. Goth didn't work too much for Sirius.

Apparently some of the other inhabitants of the seventh year boys dormitories agreed, as several things whizzed past Remus' nose, causing a mighty collision with Sirius' face.

"Sirius, shut up for once in your soon-to-be short lifespan," Peter threatened.

"Are you saying you're going to kill me?" Sirius snorted. "I don't think you could even get anywhere close."

"Hey, I may not look like much, but I've got ninja skills."

"Yeah!" James said supportingly, thumping Peter on the back. "He's a total ninja on the dueling floor!"

"He could cut your head off," Remus added, "With a slice of his little finger."

"No!" James disagreed. "With his little finger-_NAIL!_"

"Glad to know you guys think so much of me," Sirius sniffed theatrically. "I shall go find a dark corner and sit and weep!"

"Stop being so melodramatic," Frank said, coming out of the bathroom, a toothbrush sticking out of his mouth, muffling his speech a bit. "I'm sick of it. We just got out of James' depression"-

"Scary how sad he can be when he's not dating dear ol' Lilykins," Remus snickered.

"Don't call her old!" James shouted crossly.

"He's more sensitive to her age than she is," Peter chortled, which caused the others to chuckle, with the obvious exception of James.

"Anyway," Frank continued. "I'd like to finally have a dormitory that isn't depressing every time you enter. And at least James had an excuse to be sad, no matter how pathetic it was."

"Hey!"

Frank ignored James' outburst, and continued on with his lecture. "But you are just being 'depressed' for the heck of it. Snap out of it already!"

"Why are you being depressed?" Remus asked, curiously. Ever since James had started dating Lily, and large beams of happiness shot out of his being incessantly, Sirius had become progressively more despondent. And this was to the astonishment of many. Sirius was always up and bouncing around.

"Well, I am beautiful. It's in my nature. But you guys know that already, as you must be worshipping my great exquisiteness."

Remus groaned inwardly, and was not surprised as a pillow was hurled toward Sirius, causing him to emit an 'oof'.

"I will ignore that blasphemous action, and continue on. Since I am so magnificent, it is only natural that I should be in modeling."

Remus rolled his eyes, and flopped back onto his bed. It might be a while till Sirius reaches his point, and he might as well catch up on some much-needed sleep.

"But, then I found out that models have to practically starve themselves!"

Remus sniggered. Trust Sirius to think purely about food.

"Still, I couldn't give up! My body was made for this! So I decided on the second best thing! A thespian!"

"Come again?" Frank laughed.

"Sirius," James started slowly. "You do realize that word is polysyllabic?"

"What the bloody Merlin are you talking about?" Sirius demanded.

"It's a big word," Peter shortened. "Remember, you don't know those. Or, were those words too long for you?"

Sirius made a rude hand gesture towards Peter, and continued on. "You know, an actor?"

There were a multitude of 'ohhhs' from the audience.

"Well, so, in short, I decided that the area around me must be theatrical, and so I would become very thespian-ish! And James' depression was so theatrical! But then he stopped be depressed, because he started dating Lily, which stunk." James glared at Sirius, and so he quickly added, "Although I really love Lily, and I think they make a great couple. A really great couple. So then I decided I would become depressed and make everything dramatic!"

"You call that short?"

Sirius made an annoyed noise, and turned away from Peter, crossing his arms.

"Aren't you supposed to go off and 'sit and weep in a dark corner' now?" James asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Yes!" Sirius exclaimed. "And work on my wit! I must have a good wit!"

Sirius slunk into the corner, and started muttering to himself.

"He's not a very good actor," Frank commented.

"Hey!" Sirius shouted, indignantly.

"See?"

"Well, I have to say I'm interested in that part of his story about modeling," James said.

"Wonder what he modeled," Peter said.

"Underwear!" Sirius said from the corner, popping up, and climbing sloppily over Peter's bed. Remus winced at the destruction done to the bed that Remus had to make for Peter that morning.

"To show off his 'sculpted abs'," James muttered, only loud enough that everyone but Sirius could hear.

"To show off my sculpted abs!" Sirius continued.

"I bet it was women's underwear," Frank said so casually, that Remus didn't realize at first what he actually was saying.

"Oooh… Lingerie. Sexy," James teased.

"I'll never look at you in the same way again," Peter told Sirius sincerely. "And please stay far away from my bed."

The guys all burst out laughing at this point. Frank had to hold onto a bed post to keep himself up, and James had already slunk onto the floor in his mirth. Peter was hitting the bed he had been sitting on, and Remus was sure if he laughed any harder, he'd start crying.

"I demand you take that back!" Sirius pouted. "Remus' the queer one!"

Remus' laughter started dying down. "What?"

"You like to make beds, and do homework, and organize!"

The guys gasped, as if it was a serious offense. Which, of course, it was.

Remus' eyes narrowed. "You_ wish_ I were queer. But, newsflash, Black, I'm not crawling into bed with you anytime soon."

That popped the cork, and the guys weren't sitting up straight for at least a few minutes afterward.

While he was laughing, Remus' train of thoughts went to Russia and back. First, he was thinking of the underwear, and Sirius wearing, which was a disgusting image of a vivid pink bra, and thong (fortunately the thong was over Sirius' boxers in the mental image).

After being tortured by that thought for a bit, he thought about the boxers, and he started pondering about the point of duckie-print boxers. That reminded him of James' frog print boxers. Which prompted him to remember James' lucky boxers, which had gone missing two months ago.

As the laughter eventually died out, Remus asked, "What happened to your lucky boxers, anyway, Prongs?"

The others looked at him weird, and Remus reddened a bit. He supposed the question was a bit out of the blue to any one other than him.

"Well, I don't know. I still haven't found them."

Frank's eyes suddenly popped out.

"What's eating you?" Peter asked.

"Oh…er, nothing…"

"Longbottom. Tell us. You are one guy. We are four buff guys. You really want to spit it out," James pointed out.

"Fine… well, I know where the boxers are."

"Where?" James asked. "I've been looking for them for ages!"

"Lily has them," Frank admitted in a small voice.

Several things happened at once then.

Sirius pumped his fist, crying, "She _was_ sniffing your boxers! Oh! I was right!"

James cried out, "I knew they were my lucky boxers!"

Peter's eyes had bulged way too much for a normal human being.

And Remus simply asked, "Why?"

Frank sighed, and explained. "Marlene and I dared her back in October to go into the boys dormitories and get a pair of boxers, a razor, and a pair of tweezers. And she did. End of story."

"Phew," Sirius said in relief. "So she didn't actually use your razor. I thought you were a gone man for a second there. No cooties for you."

James shoved Sirius. "I don't really care."

"You are whipped. W-H-I-P-P-E-D. Whipped. It's what's for dinner. At least, I hope they'll serve whipped cream…"

"They better not," Remus murmured to Frank. "Personally, I don't want to sit through him covering his spaghetti and meatballs in whipped cream again."

Frank snorted.

"Guys!" Peter cried, suddenly, startling the boys. "I've just had an idea!"

"What?"

"I think one of us should be dared into going into the girls dormitories, just to make it even."

"And they can steal a bra, and a thong," Remus added.

The guys agreed excitedly, and before Remus knew it, they were coming up with elaborate schemes for the dare.

"It shouldn't be James. He's already going up there to shag Evans," Sirius stated, narrowly dodging one of Remus' heavy tomes that James had just heaved at him.

"Right. Well, we can decide who goes up later, but now we"-

The door banged open, and the boys ducked, with their plans, on the floor.

"Frank!"

No answer from the guys.

"Frank! Come out come out wherever you are!"

There was the sound of a sigh, and feet trodding over to were the guys were crouching.

"Oh! There you are!"

Remus looked up. It was Marlene.

"Why are you all down there?"

"Er… we're hungry?" Sirius answered feebly. Remus did his best to keep from smacking Sirius upside the head, so instead smacked his own forehead.

"So you're crouching among your beds suspiciously?"

"We're looking for the pizza I dropped two weeks ago!" Sirius quickly spit out.

"Oh. Okay. But, just so you know, I don't want any."

"More for us!" Sirius said, and he actually looked happy about it. Now that Remus thought about it, Sirius actually had dropped a pizza two weeks ago…

Which might have been why he stayed down there when the others pulled themselves up to sit on their beds.

"So, what are you really up to?"

"Nothing!" Remus said hurriedly.

"Then what's that paper titled 'Our Plans for the Bestest Dare Ever'?"

Remus cursed inwardly, snapping his fingers.

James sighed. "I suppose we've got to tell her."

And they did, shortening it up a bit.

"You should make them get lipgloss too. There's a lot of lipgloss in the girls' dormitories," Marlene commented.

"Sure, but the big question, is how do they get up there?" Peter asked.

"We could fly them in through the window," Remus suggested.

"The windows are bolted from the inside," Marlene said.

"Let's find a secret passage that the founders created for any boys smart enough!"

"Boys aren't smart," Marlene scoffed.

"Horny boys," Sirius pointed out, and Marlene nodded.

"The founders weren't that stupid," James said.

"Back to the drawing board," Sirius sighed, taking a big bite out of the pizza slice he had finally found. Remus winced.

"You know, I know I spell that can stop the staircase from throwing one of guys off," Marlene said offhandedly.

The boys looked at Marlene as if she were a god.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Frank asked.

"You didn't show me the spell to stop the staircase," Marlene pointed out. "Noooo… You show it to some girl you like to stalk."

"Shut up!"

"Well, Frank, thank you. I just did you all that favor, digressing from what I came here for, and you repay me like this? I'm insulted."

"What did you come here for?"

"Well, Lily is off doing her homework… And speaking of this, Potter, I hate you."

"What for?" James asked, startled.

"Lily's always either with you or doing homework. No time for Marlene, now. Well, anyway, she's not here to talk to me, so I decided to forcibly pull you out of here so we could talk."

"Here, Marlene," James said. "Would you forgive me if I said that you could pull Frank out of the room right now?"

"Maybe."

"And he's the one to do the dare?"

Frank watched in horror as Marlene said, "Deal."

"Nooooooo!" Frank bellowed, as Marlene grasped his ear and started to yank it.

Remus watched amusedly as Marlene dragged Frank by the ear out of the room, and down the steps. Remus was sure he heard some Frank falling several times.

"So…" Peter said. "Frank's doing it."

"Yep," James assured. "And you're going to go with him."

"_What?_"

"We need some assurance that he actually went into the girls dormitories," James said. "Scratch that. The sixth year girls dormitories. He's not going anywhere near Lily's underwear."

"That's all his territory," Sirius sniggered.

James ignored Sirius, and continued. "You only just said that you have the skills of a ninja. And you're the perfect size. You're a rat."

Peter hit his head, and sighed. Remus could make out some of his mumbling. "Stupid……. Why.... rat..…Smallest animagus….…bloody hell…"

"And besides, you only just were bragging about your ninja skills."

Peter sighed, and threw himself onto his bed, nearly missing in that pathetic way of Sirius. Sirius had always attempted at the perfect fling onto the bed, like the other boys had perfected forever ago, but always seemed to land on the floor. Remus would know, as he had to deal with Sirius' complaints.

Remus smiled, and collapsed onto his bed (and he didn't miss), heaving his book onto his lap, and cracking it open, being careful not to get dust up his sinuses.

Beside him, Sirius had reverted into his corner (not even attempting at the bed), and was muttering strangely.

"Sirius. I know you can't fling yourself onto your bed perfectly like even five year olds can manage to do. But drop the razor."

The next time Remus walked out of the boys dormitories, he was sporting a bad cut on his left cheek.

OOOOO

"Hey, you're James Potter's girlfriend, aren't you?"

Lily turned, with an eyebrow raised, and saw a first year, who, to all effects, seemed perfectly innocent. Now, of course, Lily had learned a long time ago, not many first years are too innocent. That lesson started seven years ago when she had met the marauders. Particularly Sirius Black. And that Sirius Black was the reason for most of the not-too-innocent first years walking around. Lily could only pray to Merlin that Sirius wouldn't be held back. (And, quite frankly, there were many bets against him).

"Yes," she finally answered, carefully. First years could be crafty, and there was no telling what would happen with this one. She could only remember how a month ago, a Hufflepuff first year had asked Lily to help her with her homework. James came just in the nick of time, and pulled her out from underneath of levitated bucket of debris and slime. Lily hadn't known that first years could be so wily; let alone Hufflepuffs.

"How's James?" the first year asked casually.

"Fine."

"Well, Potter's girlfriend"-

Lily sighed. This was what she got to addressed as. _Potter's girlfriend_. Show's what people care about. Not who gets good grades, or who's Head Girl. No. They care about who has good pranks, and who they're dating. _Gasp_.

"How long have you two been dating?"

"Two months."

"And he hasn't dumped you yet?"

"Excuse me?" Lily gaped.

"Hey, it's the truth. He's a marauders. He's made to dump girls. Kiss n' run. Leave em' in the broom closet. All that crap."

"I should give you a detention for that," Lily said, narrowing her eyes at the first year.

"You know you can't. I'm too adorable for that."

This first year knew how to play his cards.

"James isn't going to dump me, kid. _That's_ the truth."

"Marauders weren't made for commitment."

"I'll change that."

"Well, maybe one day, you'll see that when Potter goes out for a 'prank', he'll really be heading to another broom closet."

With a wink, the first year headed away, leaving Lily in a stew of confusion and doubt.

James was in fact late right now. They were supposed to being doing patrols right now, but he still hadn't showed up.

No, Lily had to trust him. James had changed, no matter what that puny first year thought. She was above doubt and mistrust.

"Oooh… Lily's looking upset," said a voice from behind Lily.

"Yep," said another voice. "Don't bother her unless your name is Potter, and you want to make out."

"Mmm…" Lily replied. "That _does _sound good."

"Okay, too much information," Frank groaned, plopping down on the couch, next to Lily.

"You're not a girl. You don't get these things," Lily explained.

Marlene snorted. "_I'm_ a girl, and yet _I _don't understand these things."

"Proves how much of a girl you must be," Frank muttered mischievously.

Marlene slapped Frank on the arm, causing Lily to break out in giggles.

"OW! That _hurt!_"

"So?"

"I'll have a great, big, purple _WELT_ on my arm tomorrow!" Frank exclaimed, with exaggerated arm motions, which threatened to decapitate Lily in a way that would cause James to decapitate Frank if he saw the ongoing activities.

"Since when have you cared so much about appearances, Frank, my dear?" Lily asked, dodging Frank's last guillotine-like arm movement.

"Since when have you called me 'dear'?"

"What?" Marlene asked, looking up. "Sorry, dear. I wasn't listening."

"Do you even care what I have to say?" Frank asked. "My _dears?_"

Marlene smiled her big impish grin. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

Lily smirked as Frank sighed. "How long have you been waiting to say that?"

"Ever since Lily made me watch that weird muggle picture with sound."

"It's called a movie."

"Whatever. Merlin you guys are picky."

"We've digressed…" Frank muttered.

Marlene stared at him blankly, and Lily patted him on the head demurely.

"So, are you guys going to say sorry for the heinous crime of bruising my arm or what?"

Lily mocked putting her finger on her chin and thinking. "I'm going to have to go with the what category."

"I agree," Marlene said, nodding primly.

"You all suck."

"We know," Marlene replied innocently, with a beaming smile.

"I'm going to be walking around with everyone staring at me weirdly. I might as well have a neon green sticky note on my forehead saying 'Hey look, everyone! Stare at me! Over here!'!"

Marlene turned to Lily. "Ten sickles that at least three people ask if he's in an abusive relationship."

Lily snorted. "With who? You? Yeah. Definitely you."

Marlene sniggered. "Who would date him? He's butt ugly. His last name hit a bullseye in describing him."

"Hey!" Frank cried.

"Nah," Lily continued. "I put my money on people asking if he called McGonagall Minnie. Everyone knows only Black can get away with that."

Marlene giggled. "Poor Professor M. That relationship's doomed to fail…"

"Are you guys betting on me _again?_" Frank groaned.

Marlene shrugged. "What can I say? I'm so horribly poor. This is my only means of income."

"And I do so love maliciously and mercilessly stealing her money," Lily added. "She doesn't know you at all."

"You'd think she would," Frank snorted. "Seeing as she's really the only one I've been hanging out with these past two months, and vice versa."

Marlene's face suddenly sobered up. "Yeah, you've always been off doing homework or with James."

Lily's shoulders fell. She bit her lip, this had been getting on her nerves lately. She had almost no time for her friends. "I'm sorry. I really am. It's just NEWTs… and James…"

"Yeah, he's your first boyfriend, I get it," Marlene said. "I remember having my first boyfriend."

"I need to study, and I want to be with James… but I can always, you know, cut back on"-

"Snogging time?" Marlene asked. "Bloody hell, no, Lily! I couldn't ask you to cut back on snogging time with James Potter! He's a Greek god, he's so beautiful! And I heard he's a bloody great kisser," Marlene added with a wink.

Frank gagged, and (with as much discretion as possible) started scraping his tongue.

Lily smiled, and hugged Marlene. "Thanks. I didn't think you'd understand so well."

Marlene looked a bit crestfallen. "Not understand how your boyfriend is bloody hot? Not understand that snogging time is of utmost importance? How would I _not_ understand the essentials? What, do you think I'm stupid or something? Even stupid people would understand the essentials! Why do you guys keep thinking I'm some sort of hermaprodite or something? I _am _female, incase you're wondering!"

"You're _female?_" Frank asked in mock astonishment. "_Really?_"

"Shut the bloody hell up," Marlene mumbled, slapping Frank upside the head.

"Jeez, do you guys have it out for me, or something?"

"Yes, we do," Marlene drawled. "We hate you so much we must kill you, yet we still hang out with you practically all the bloody time."

"Guys!" Lily suddenly exclaimed, looking excited. "I know how we can all spend time together, while I'm still with James!"

"How?"

"Triple dating!"

"How does that work when you're the only one with a significant other?" Frank asked dubiously.

"Wow. You're really stupid," Marlene said, staring at Frank.

"Well," Lily explained, "we set you two up!"

"Set Frank up," Marlene corrected. "I can easily find a date. Frank's the opposite-sex challenged one."

Lily paused for a second. "Who do we set him up with?"

"Well, the other seventh year girls are really annoying. Why not a sixth year?"

"Isn't Emmeline Vance single?"

"Well, then, Emmeline Vance it is. I shall talk to her later."

"Okay, then. There, Frank. We have dates," Lily replied to Frank.

"How do you know that Emmeline will agree?" Frank asked.

"Yeah," Marlene agreed, slowly. "He's pretty ugly…"

"I must be so ugly that she'll immediately agree to go out with me," Frank concluded mockingly.

"Frank, you're not that ugly," Lily reassured. "You're just not pretty."

"Thanks."

"Ooh!" Marlene suddenly cried out, looking up, eyes wide. "Pick me! Pick me, Lily!"

"Yes, Marlene?" Lily said, raising an eyebrow.

"Frank shouldn't hear this!" Marlene declared. "And I won't say anything until he turns away."

Frank sighed, and turned his body around, staring off at the ceiling. "This good?"

"Hands over your ears and eyes shut."

Frank groaned, but complied, and as soon as he did so, Marlene turned to Lily, and words raced out of her mouth in hushed tones.

"We make them hang out in the dormitories whenever, preferably as soon as possible, and we spy on them."

"Why spy on them?" Lily whispered back.

"So we know if they're compatible!"

"But why not just let them figure that out on the date?"

"Do you really want to ruin the date?"

Lily bit her lip, and shook her head.

"Well, then, it's settled. Frank!" Marlene shouted, slapping Frank across the back of the head.

"OW!" Frank exclaimed, his hands leaving his years to clutch his wounded head. "Do you have some sort of death wish for me?"

"Yes… life would be so much easier if your face wasn't repulsing me every second of the day."

"Forget abusive relationships, people should be worried about abusive friendships," Frank murmured to himself.

"You're just jealous," Marlene said simply.

"Of what? Your ability to maim people with only your palm?"

"No. My total awesomeness! Only people with total awesomeness can get away with what I do. Because I'm totally awesome."

"You're totally insane."

"_You're_ totally insane for saying _that_," Marlene snarled, her hands (the nails, in particular), flying up to Frank's face (the eyes, in particular). Frank would have been blind, had Lily not pulled Marlene back.

Lily wrestled Marlene back, and as Marlene wouldn't stop in her attempts to claw the skin off of Frank's face, Lily sat herself on Lily's squirming body.

"Well, anyway, Frank, I hope you'll like Emmeline," Lily said, as if she wasn't trying to weigh down a 180 pound, wrathful, scorned, female, seventh year Gryffindor.

"Feel the love tonight, Longbottom!" Marlene hissed, trying to wriggle herself out from underneath Lily's slender frame.

"It'll be nice to date someone, I swear," Lily reassured. "I like it, and Marlene does. It'll be fun for you."

"And maybe once you're dating someone, you won't drag me along on stalking expeditions," Marlene muttered.

"What?" Lily asked, not getting what was going on.

Frank blushed. "Nothing. Really, nothing. It was long ago… really small, I don't know how she remembered it… It doesn't matter!"

"I remember it everytime my bruise is touched. You know, the bruise from when you shoved me against the brick wall?" Marlene grumbled.

"Er… I'm really not following," Lily said.

"You give me bruises and bumps everyday, Marlene. Get over it."

"You know what? I'm just going to pretend I never heard this. It's way too strange," Lily stated, to apparently no one listening.

"But you don't have the total awesomeness that allows a person to do that, Frank!" Marlene whined.

"Neither do you, Marlene," Frank scoffed.

"When Lily gets off of me- which she had better do soon- I will peel the skin off of you bit, by bit, by bit, and I will gouge out your eyes with a spoon- or even better! A paper cup! And then I will smother you to death in shaving cream! And then, I will feed the leftover bits to dogs, and laugh mercilessly, and then"-

"Alright, alright! Marlene! You can stop it! Don't get your panties in a bunch!"

Marlene stopped almost automatically. "Panties… that reminds me of something…"

"What?" Lily asked. Her friends were going insane. Scratch that. Had gone insane.

"That's right! The dare! You have to do the dare!"

"What?" Frank asked, eyes wide. "I thought you were kidding!"

"Am I ever kidding?"

"Er… always?"

"No I don't!" Marlene protested.

"Marlene, you_ are_ always kidding," Lily said.

"Okay… so maybe I'm always kidding… but I wasn't kidding then! You will do it!"

"Do what?" Lily kidded. "Do you? I never knew you guys secretly lusted for each other!" Lily said, cracking herself up. Of course, it didn't really look like anyone else was cracking up. Or even listening. _Harsh audience_, Lily thought.

"You're mean, Marlene, you know that?"

"I've always known that, Longbottom. Now, get up! Chop, chop!" Marlene clapped her hands together, and then, after seeing Frank wasn't doing anything, she pulled him up and after her by his wrist.

The odd pair ran off, towards the dormitories, and Lily wasn't too doubtful on whether they were secretly lusting after each other or not.

But, Lily figured they should be able to have some secrets, and so she flopped back on the couch, and threw an arm over her arms, and had all intentions of falling asleep.

Until, of course, she heard that voice from behind her.

"Well, looks like someone's tired, hm?"

Lily smiled, and pulled her arm off her face. As James sat next to her on the couch, she placed her legs on his lap. "Yeah, well you didn't have to deal with two bickering friends just now."

"I'm pretty lucky like that, yeah," James agreed. "What was it this time?"

"Well… I'm wondering if they've yet to tell me they're married or something."

James snickered. "That'd explain a lot. But I don't think they're married."

"Why not?"

"I just don't think Marlene goes for guys like Frank. He's not that hot, you know."

Lily inclined her head, and looked James straight in the eye. "Are _you_ neglecting to tell me something, too? Like that you're gay or something?"

"How could I be gay around someone as wonderful as you?" James asked, looking somberly straight into Lily's eyes.

Lily flinched a bit from the intensity of James' gaze. "So, there aren't any other girls? Or guys?"

"No other girls, no other guys."

"Not even Sirius? You two are pretty tight… You never know…"

"Nah… Sirius doesn't believe in commitment."

"So, you don't believe in 'kiss n' run'?"

"Bloody hell no. That's Sirius. When I'm dating a girl, nothing can pull me away," James said, tickling Lily's leg, causing her to giggle.

"Not even a prank?"

"Not even a prank."

"So… if another"-

"Is it 'Interrogate James Potter Day' or something?"

Lily reddened.

"When I came down here, you know, I had something a little bit different in mind."

"Like what?"

"Like this."

And with a fell swoop, James had pulled up Lily, and was kissing her.

Lily melted in his arms (as would all girls when kissing someone like James Potter).

She could only hope that Frank and Marlene weren't currently doing the same. That particular image was a bit disturbing.

OOOOO

Sirius eyed the bed from his position on the ground, calculating the possibility of him landing on it. Well, calculating as best as a wizard with no hardly any knowledge of math past how to count to thirty-nine.

Sirius sighed, and decided to drop the calculations. Numbers bigger than thirty-nine weren't exactly his forte.

He lumbered up, and flung himself across the two feet separating him from his bed. He bent his knees, and jumped up with the right amount of pressure. Enough pressure that he flew past the two feet, and was over the bed. Sirius celebrated in his mind over his accomplishment in reaching the bed.

But, it turned out the force he applied was also enough that he flew past the bed, and crashed his face into the bed frame, and his "manly parts", as he so called them (he also named them Mufasa and Freudrich- the latter nicknamed 'Dick'- and he broke out into giggles whenever he mentioned them) landed on Frank's experiment for Herbology.

And what was Frank's experiment for Herbology?

Nothing other than a fascinating attempt to make the needles on a cactus sharper.

Sirius began screeching, loud enough that Peter's Herbology project (testing the affect of different colored glass on Dragon's Snare) cracked.

Remus, who had been reading peacefully in the corner, and the only other inhabitant of the room currently present, stood up, stalked over towards Sirius, and slapped Sirius across the face.

"_OW! MERLIN!_" Sirius shrieked.

Remus ignored this outburst, and continued striking Sirius across the face.

"You're _hurting _me!" Sirius sobbed loudly, and almost incoherently.

Remus continued hitting Sirius.

"You know, some girls- sorry- most- _every single solitary girl ever to exist_ would find this a terrible insult!"

"Arrogant little beast, aren't you?" Remus asked innocently, hardly slowing down at all.

"Stop it! Just _stop _it!" Sirius cried, and broke out wailing.

"If you shut up."

Sirius zipped his lips, and threw the zipper away.

"Good," Remus said, and he lifted his hands away from Sirius, brushing them off.

"Mufasa and Dick still hurt!" Sirius whimpered (and giggled a bit at the names, too).

Remus glared at Sirius, and Sirius sheepishly smiled back, and threw away the zipper for good, out the window and everything.

Remus stomped back to his book, picked it up, and stomped back over the bathroom (he seemed to be taking his book to the bathroom a lot, most especially when James and Sirius were around him). He opened the door, and walked in, but, as what looked like a second thought, he stuck his head back, and said, "You know, it might possibly diminish the pain if you were to eradicate yourself from the cactus."

Remus closed the door behind him, or, at least attempted to, as Sirius cried out, "Mooooooony! I can't understand you when you use big words!"

Remus sighed, and said, "Right, I forgot you have no capability for remembering polysyllabic words."

Sirius stared blankly at Remus.

"Fine. Simple terms. It means, yo, dude, the stinging in your pants will go 'bye-bye' if you get 'Mufasa and Dick' off of the green spikey thing."

"Ohhhhhh!"

Remus rolled his eyes, and shut the door, and Sirius smiled to himself, giggling at Remus saying 'Mufasa and Dick', until he remembered to take Mufasa off of the green spikey thing.

Sirius groaned in pain as he stood up again. His pants hurt, and he wouldn't be able to sit on a broom properly for weeks. James wasn't going to be happy.

Sirius limped down the stairs, glaring at the bed behind him that had caused all the pain and misery. And more pain and misery. And just plain pain and misery.

Sirius turned his head away from the inciter of bad memories, but not before determining to make sure the bed didn't live to see Frank's grade on the Herbology project, or even better, Remus coming out of the bathroom.

Sirius approached the large couch in front of the fire, where he could lie down and wallow in his pain and misery, and possibly snog some hot girl to make him feel better (as he didn't think he was in a position to shag to feel better).

But, as he got to the couch, he saw that someone has already beat him there, and was doing exactly what he was planning on doing. That is, wallowing in pain and misery, not the snogging part.

Sirius crossed his arms, and stood before the armrest where the girl was resting her head.

"You're in my spot."

The girl tilted her head up, to see Sirius, and said, "Oh, did you want to sit here?"

"_Yes_," Sirius said impatiently. This girl was pretty slow.

"Oh, well, here you go." The girl pulled her legs up and next to her torso, leaving Sirius some room to sit down on the couch. Sirius pouted. It wasn't the whole couch. But considering the self-sorry look on the girl's face, it didn't seem like she was going to budge. Sirius sighed and sat down. Some of the best spot to wallow in pain and misery was better than none of the best spot to wallow in pain and misery. And he could always get back at her later.

"What's your name?" Sirius asked suspiciously. She'd find herself a little surprise later…

"Alice. I'm in sixth. And you?"

Aw, cripes. She had taken it as a friendly gesture. How slow was this girl? But he might as well find out more about why she dared to take the best spot for wallowing in pain and misery, which was reserved for _him_.

"Sirius. Sirius Black. And don't say you haven't heard of me."

"I have, don't worry."

Well, at least she had something good going for her.

"And I'm even more beautiful than the rumors, right?"

Alice laughed. "Sure. You're gorgeous."

Sirius smiled. This girl caught on faster than the marauders, who just didn't seem to believe flattering him was an international sport. Which it totally was.

But she was still a shady character to him. Why had she stolen the best spot for wallowing in pain and misery from him?

And he asked Alice this question exactly.

After raising her eyebrows at Sirius' label for the couch, Alice answered. "It's complicated girl stuff. Sure you want to hear?"

"Eh, my friends call me a girl, how bad can it be?" Sirius answered without thinking, and so cursed his stupidity.

"I think that you're as boyish as possible," Alice reassured Sirius, without even hearing his silent curses.

Sirius gaped at the girl. If he wasn't so in love with himself, he'd marry this girl. Scratch that. Snog this girl. He wasn't so into commitment.

"Well," Alice continued. "See, I've had this crush on this guy"-

"Who?"

Alice blushed. "Well, my friends decided to nickname him Frank."

"Okay, don't tell me," Sirius pouted.

"Sorry. But, only two other people know who Frank is, if that helps. Anyway, so I like this Frank guy, and my friends know. But, the day I told them, I meet this other guy."

"I suppose you won't tell me who he is either, right?"

"Right."

"Well, that stinks," Sirius sighed. "Continue."

Alice smiled a bit. "Well, this guy was so nice! He was like and gentleman, and he made me laugh so much! We had a short conversation, and I felt like I could talk to him, unlike other guys."

"When was the conversation?"

"Like two months ago. And I know what you're going to ask. So, no, I have not talked to him since. But, I've passed him in the hallways, and every time "I see him, it's like my stomach is doing backflips, and I can't breathe too well."

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, that happens to me whenever I return from Hogsmeade."

Alice giggled. "Well, it definitely wasn't a hangover, Black. I've never had alcohol."

Sirius gasped. "You're a Firewhiskey virgin?"

Alice nodded.

Sirius opened his mouth, but was cut off by Alice.

"No, I'm not changing that any time soon."

Sirius sighed.

"And would you stop rubbing your crotch already? It's not too attractive?"

Sirius looked down, and saw that he was massaging Mufasa and Dick. "What? They hurt!"

"Do you want to pick up girls or not? Because I can advise you that rubbing 'them' won't work."

Sirius dropped his hand from Mufasa and Dick, and giggled in his mind at the names.

"So… about the guys, what do you think?"

"Well, what do you want me to say?" This girl was getting a bit confusing.

"Uh, I guess, I, er, want to know who to choose."

"Who do you like better?"

"That doesn't help."

"Then, which one would you rather see naked?" Sirius said, smirking.

Alice reddened. "Both."

"Just to warn you, most guys in this school, not including me, are fairly monogamous. And they definitely won't agree to a threesome. That's out of the question."

Sirius ducked several pillows, and Alice cried, "Hey, I'm monogamous too! That's why I'm asking you!"

"Well, then choose the one you could see yourself actually hanging out with. Not the one that makes the pretty picture. Just like I've found. The pretty girls? Sure, yeah, they make a cute couple, and it's fun to imagine what they look like underneath the uniform. But the quiet girls. Now they you can actually hang out with. Boy, can they"-

"I don't think I want to hear this," Alice muttered, and clapped her hands to her ears.

"I was only going to say snog!" Sirius protested.

"Sure you were," drawled Alice.

"Well, you understand, right? The one that's hotter isn't always the best choice."

Alice was silent for a minute or so, and then said softly, "I think I fell in love with the real Frank."

Sirius smiled. "So, you going to go and get him?"

Alice beamed. "Yes! I shall make him mine, and call him Squishy!"

Sirius clapped her on the back, and pushed her away, partially in encouragement, and mostly to get the best part to wallow in pain and misery back.

Sirius leaned back, sighing. Now he could truly wallow in pain and misery. But, as he reclined on the couch, he couldn't get the last few comments of Alice out of his head. And he got to thinking. And once he got to thinking, he realized something.

And this is where Sirius jumped up with wide eyes, and, too the bewilderment of everyone else utilizing the room, he cried, "She's got a crush on the manly-parts-tormentor! She's going to make Longbottom her Squishy! I can't let this happen to the girl who understood my magnificence better than the other marauders! I must go crash a romance! Longbottom will never be Squishy!"

And with that, to the scared stares of many Gryffindors, Sirius hobbled off, massaging the chafed Mufasa and Dick along the way.

OOOOO

Peter sighed as he scurried off farther into his exiledom. He had been bullied into following Frank, to make sure that Frank actually did enter the girls' dormitories to get the bra, lipgloss, and pair of panties.

It was a tremendously boring. All Frank seemed to do was pace back and forth nervously around the staircase up the girls' dormitories.

And this is around the part where Peter was pushed by the other marauders into transforming into a rat, his nickname's namesake, and following Frank.

Of course, not much following was happening.

And since he was so bored, and had just transformed into a rat (a species with a very tiny attention span- near the size of Sirius') he drifted off into the usual flashback….

_~ ~ Flashback Sequence ~ ~_

"So…" said the first year version of Sirius Black. "I'm bored."

"We noted," the mini-Remus Lupin drawled.

"We?" the junior James Potter asked. "Who is this we you mention? Peter and I don't stalk Sirius!"

James high-fived the small(er) Peter.

"I officially declare we are superheroes!" Sirius announced.

"That wasn't out of the blue at all," Remus muttered.

"It will diminish my boredom!"

"And is there any point?"

"Well… no. But James and Peter think it's awesome. Right, guys?"

Peter nodded, and James said, "I so call dibs on SuperPotter!"

"Yeah," Peter snickered. "You definitely should have called that. Remus was _so_ going to be SuperPotter."

"Yeah…" Sirius snorted. "I can just imagine it. 'What's that? A hobgoblin? A witch? A marauder? No! It's _SuperPotter!_ Nice, really."

"I think he's a witch," Peter said.

"So do I," Remus mumbled.

"Marauder?" James asked. "What in Merlin is _that?_"

Sirius shrugged. "Why are you asking me? I heard my mum call me it once behind my back."

"Then I bet it's a curse word!" James exclaimed excitedly, clapping his hands together.

"What do you suppose it means?" Peter asked, after exchanging glances with Sirius about the clapping hands thing.

"Well," Remus said. "Why don't I get out my dictionary?"

"_NO!_" the three other boys screamed in unison, shuddering in fear of the one single thing that took the cool masculinity of an eleven-year-old away from him. The pocket dictionary.

Remus rolled his eyes and ignored his friends, flipped to a page, scrolled his finger down the paper, and announced, a smile spreading over his face, "A person who roams around in search of things to steal or people to attack."

An expression of enlightenment spread over the faces of the boys, excitement over the sort of thing males associate with maturity at that point.

"I change my mind!" James declared. "I now call dibs on The Marauder!"

"No!" Sirius argued. "I shall be The Marauder! You should be Lily Evans' Lover, anyway. LEL for short."

"Which can quite easily be mistaken as the acronym for large elephant lavatory? No thanks. I hate elephants, large stuff, and weird British names for bathrooms. And I called dibs on The Marauder first!"

"I get to be The Marauder!"

"But I wanted to be The Marauder!" Peter whined.

"Why don't we all be The Marauders?" Remus cut in, obviously very irritated.

"I don't want to share!" Sirius complained, and James and Peter's moans weren't much different.

But, a glare from Remus, and they were silenced.

"Well, then," Sirius whimpered. "I'll be getting my costume ready."

"Don't touch my SuperPotter suit!" James threatened.

"Pft. Save the skin-tight-no-flaws-left-invisible nylon suits to the amateurs. _I'm _wearing a custom made red flapper dress."

And Sirius flounced off.

"And to think I thought his father was only being mean when he said Sirius was gay…" James whispered to the others.

_~ ~ End Flashback Sequence ~ ~_

Peter winced at the thought of that dress, which, for all he knew, was still buried somewhere under Sirius' bed.

The old days in first year had been so nice and innocent. Sirius had been so much smarter… Of course, it was an improvement to have James actually dating Lily, instead of complaining about her to the marauders.

Peter was just drifting off into another flashback sequence involving James almost winning Lily over (that was about when Sirius came in whacking everything in sight for his "ninja training"), when a loud snap brought him hurtling back into reality.

"Peter, you can turn back into a human again. I know that's you."

Frank.

Peter did transform back, behind a nearby couch, and as he walked out from behind the piece of furniture, an indignant look plastered his face.

"Well, I never! How did you know"-

"Lily's my best friend," Frank shrugged.

"James told"-

"She guessed on her own."

"Oh."

"Well, I know what your friends want of you, so… you want to head up?"

Peter gulped as he looked up the impending staircase, and nodded reluctantly.

Frank gave Peter a half-hearted smile, and waved his wand. Nothing changed. He looked around at the near-empty common room (only a handful of drunk-smelling sixth years inhabited it currently), and then took a cautious step onto the stairs. Nothing happened.

Frank continued ascending the staircase, and around the corner. He motioned for Peter to follow, and so Peter did.

As they reached the top of the staircase, Frank cracked open the door, and quickly slipped inside, Peter right behind him.

Entering the girls' dormitories was an… interesting experience. As soon as the door shut into place behind the boys, Peters nostrils were attacked viciously by a strong stench, and hit the back of his throat, which started his gag reflex.

"The founders put on another spell we never knew about," Peter managed to spit out.

Frank nodded, but stopped mid-nod. "Wait… I think it's perfume."

Peter immediately dropped his hands from his throat. So he_ wasn't _dying.

"But it does smell like crap," Frank snorted. "I can't believe they actually wear that stuff."

"Okay, you get the stuff, and then we're leaving immediately," Peter said, not being able to stand the horrible taste the aroma left in his mouth. "Got it?"

"Got it."

Peter sank down onto his knees next to the bathroom door, and started fanning the air around his mouth, hoping there might be any way to get fresh air to his sinuses.

Frank scampered around, trying to find any underwear that might be lying around.

"Where are they?" he cried desperately. "Why do girls have to be so organized?"

"Try the trunks," Peter choked.

Peter could practically see the light bulb above Frank's head as he darted the closest trunk. The trunk was soon unclasped, and Frank's arms halfway in.

"There," Frank sighed, pulling out pink cotton briefs, and a purple and blue polka-dot bra, with little bits of lace lining the edges.

Peter stared. How could anyone be comfortable in that?

"And I think the lipgloss is in the bathroom," Frank muttered, heading towards the door Peter was collapsed onto.

Frank opened the door, and Peter felt himself falling back onto cold tile. From his position, Peter could make out Frank going through something at the sink.

"Whoa… there's a lot of different types of lipgloss," Frank said. "Should I get sparkly lipgloss? Or strawberry flavored? Oooh! Chocolate! Or lip plumping lipgloss? What about mint-infused? It guarantees better smelling breath!"

Peter slapped his fore head. "Just pick one!"

That was when the pair heard footsteps coming up the staircase.

"Fuck!" Peter gasped, and quickly scooted into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

They listened anxiously as the door to the dormitory opened. Several bodies trudged in and collapsed on the bed. There was a bit of small chatter, too quiet to be hear by Peter and Frank, and few giggles, until a loud comment broke through.

"Alice, I have news for you."

Next to Peter, Frank choked. Peter slapped a hand over Frank's mouth, and hissed, "_What is going on?_"

"I know Alice!" Frank whispered back. "Alice I-don't-know-her-last-name!"

"Oh, I bet you like her, huh," Peter murmured. "Well, shut up, anyway."  
Frank reddened, but said no more.

But, before they could hear Alice's news, the door to the dormitory banged open.

"Hey!" shouted a loud and obnoxious voice. "Is Emmeline Vance here?"

A _familiar_ loud and obnoxious voice.

It was Marlene.

"There," said the same voice that had news for Alice. "And what in bloody Merlin are you doing here?"

"What's your name, insolent sixth year?"

"Meadowes. Dorcas Meadowes. Now, are you going to answer me?"

"I shouldn't have to answer you. But, once again, I shall say, we wanted to talk to Emmeline," Marlene persisted.

"Well, you could have knocked," Dorcas fought back.

"Um, hello? Upperclassmen rights! We're perfectly allowed in here. You're currently sitting on my own bed."

"And why should I care if I'm your bed?"

"Because I feel like sitting down. So, scoot."

There was a snort that Peter was certain came from Dorcas.

"Yeah, right."

"Move!"

From what Peter could hear, it sounded as if Marlene was in a mood to rip out several eyes.

So, it was lucky when the pair closed in the bathroom did not in fact hear any sounds of eyeballs being torn from their sockets.

Instead, they heard the softer tones of Lily Evans' voice. "I'm sorry about Marlene. She's just… a bit eccentric."

"So, you wanted to talk to me?" a new voice asked, presumably Emmeline.

"Oh, Emmeline! Well, we knew you were single, and unless you're…?"

"Nope. Sadly, still no boyfriend."

"Well, we have a proposition for you, that will possibly involve a boyfriend for you."

"Continue."

"Well, we want to get a friend a girlfriend, for purposes that are a bit complex, and I'd rather not go into them, but, anyway, we were wondering if you'd like to go out with him."

"Who?" Emmeline asked curiously.

"Well… Frank. Er, Longbottom."

There was a choking sound coming from the corner.

"Are you all right?" several people asked.

"Oh! I'm fine!" another voice Peter didn't know responded. "Just swallowed wrong. Go ahead."

"_That's Alice!_" Frank hissed excitedly into Peter's ear.

Peter looked at Frank. "I realize you love her, but, you realize, you're about to get a date with another girl."

Frank shrugged. "She hasn't said yes yet."

"Yes," Emmeline's voice resounded from the other room.

"Crap."

Peter glanced at Frank. He looked so tragic. Like a puppy whose been put out in the rain. Frank sank down even further, and leaned his head against something, something that looked suspiciously like a trash can.

Which it ended up being.

"Ew! Oh god! I put my head on a tampon! Save me!" Frank squeaked, flailing his arms, and making quite a bit of noise.

Peter winced at the racket, and hoped their imminent death wouldn't be too painful. If he was lucky, he'd get a hairdryer to the head before the real pain came.

"What's that noise?" Lily asked, and there were a few hesitant steps toward the bathroom.

"Why don't you check?" Dorcas asked, but Peter had no idea who she was talking too. Not as if that would in any way lessen the verdict.

The door to the bathroom creaked open, and Peter and Frank froze. A form scurried into the bathroom, and flicked on the light switch.

"I knew it would be you!" Marlene hissed.

Peter widened his eyes, and held his hands up to cover his face as Marlene knelt down next to the two of them.

"Put down your hands Peter. You guys should be more careful! If you aren't quiet enough, you'll blow your cover!"

Peter let out a breath. So Marlene was on their side.

"I can't believe you can't remember I was in on this!" Marlene sighed. "Well, anyway, you guys better stop making noise. I'll tell the others some stuff fell, and this'll be proof."

Marlene took some of the cases and tubes off of the counter, and placed on the floor. Among the items was a razor, which both Peter and Frank instantly shimmied away from.

Marlene rolled her eyes, muttering, "Guys are so immature," and spared them a glare before leaving.

"It was just a few things falling," Marlene announced, after closing the door to the bathroom. "I can't believe you guys are so easily spooked.

"Yeah, but I seem to recall you having a facial expression along the same lines as ours," Dorcas replied.

"Shut up."

"Well," Lily said. "I want to tell you, Emmeline, that you don't have to go on any dates with him. In fact, you can talk to him yourself later."

"Okay, we've said what must be said, and everything, can we leave the insolent underclassmen now?" Marlene asked impatiently.

"Yes," Lily answered. "See you Emmeline! And it was nice meeting you, Dorcas and Alice!"

The other door closed, and as soon as it did, it suddenly sounded as if Dorcas and Alice were descending upon Emmeline like vultures.

"You've got a date! For like the first time ever!"

"This is great! Frank Longbottom of all people! The hunky seventh year!"

"Do you like him?"

Frank currently looked fairly pleased with himself.

"Guys!" Emmeline laughed. "Yes, I have a date for the first time ever. Thanks for diminishing my confidence, Dorcas. And, I understand it's Frank Longbottom. And, Alice… well, I don't know. He's nice, I suppose. I don't know if I fancy him though..."

"Oh."

"I just want to have a date for once."

"Well, now you do"-

"Shut up, Dorcas."

There was a whimper from Dorcas.

"Well, anyway. What was this news for Alice, Dorcas?"

"Oh! I completely forgot! Alice! Great news!"

"Yes?"

"I got you a date with Gideon Prewett!"

There were many shrieks, and screeches, exclamations, and obscenities, and Peter clapped his hands to his ears.

"How?" Emmeline asked, after it calmed down.

"A magician never reveals his secrets!"

"That's so unfair!" Emmeline protested. "I want to know!"

"Hey, I want to know how you actually got a date with _Frank Longbottom_, but you're obviously not going to tell me. Imagine how _I_ feel! _You_ got a date!"

"I hate you too," Emmeline pouted.

"Look, I talked to a friend of his, and bada-bing bada-boom, Alice had a date. Well, anyway, Alice," Dorcas said. "What do you think?"

"Uh… er… Wow."

"That's it?" Dorcas asked dubiously.

"Hey," Emmeline interrupted. "Don't judge the girl. She's going through massive shock right now."

"Right," Dorcas agreed. "Well, Gideon, as he told me, is currently waiting downstairs for Alice. And the two of them are going to have a face-to-face talk! Preferably, a very cozy one!" Dorcas added, with a wink.

Frank, next to Peter, was looking quite queasy about this.

"We had better not delay their 'discussion' anymore!" Dorcas stated, and all three girls broke out in squeals.

They rushed out of the dormitory, and slammed the door behind them.

Peter jumped up, and held out a hand to Frank, who lumbered up. Peter lead the pair out, and Frank stumbled, almost drunkenly after.

"Frank," Peter said as softly as he could manage. "I'm sorry. But, you have a date, and so does she. You'll just have to accept the fact that you are taking two completely different trains out of Single-ville. You need to hold your head up high."

Frank nodded, and quietly descended the staircase with Peter, who had transformed back into a rat.

At the bottom, the two separated after a brief wave from Frank (Peter couldn't exactly wave as a rat). Peter headed towards the boys dormitories, when he was blocked by James and Lily on the staircase.

From a far, they didn't attract much attention, as they looked as if they were only romantic mush. But, up close, Peter could tell they were fighting. It was quite different from prior fights, as their tones were hushed.

"So you saw me with a girl. Big deal," James hissed.

"I don't know what you could have been doing!" Lily argued back.

"It was Dorcas Meadowes. What do you expect me to do with her? She's nowhere near as beautiful as you."

"The flattery's not going to work on me, Potter," Lily said, with a sharp glare.

"Why don't you trust me?"

Lily was taken aback; from what the rat Peter could see (his vision didn't go too far up from the ground).

"I completely trust you. I'd trust my life with you. But you don't trust me at all!"

Lily hesitated, but answered, "Well, you're a marauder! You're not exactly the type to trust!"

"I thought we got over this when you asked me out!"

"Well, apparently, I hadn't thought things over too well. Maybe I shouldn't have asked you out."

"Maybe I never should have trusted you with my heart."

Lily stared at him. "That's way too tacky. And the tackiness just helps to prove that you never loved me. And you know it."

"Again! You're still constantly proving that you don't trust me!"

"Why should I?"

Lily stared James straight in the eye, and for a few seconds, neither looked away. Finally, Lily stalked off, and James stood there, looking every bit as melancholy as he had before Lily agreed to go out with him, until he finally snapped, and turned his back, stomping up to the dormitory.

Peter stayed there, in rat form, processing what had just happened, until the short attention span and urges of his rat form took over, and he set off on a quest for cheese.

OOOOO

"Okay, Fabian," Gideon sighed to his twin. "You need to help me get this room cleaner."

Fabian raised an eyebrow over his copy of the Quibbler (a magazine Gideon had given him as a joke present for his birthday one year, and Fabian laughed at it so much, he got a subscription. It started as a joke, but a few of the things in it had evolved into very annoying beliefs of Fabian).

"Why bother cleaning it up? It's not like it'd even stay clean."

"There are mice. Do you want to live with the mice? Personally, I don't."

"How do you know there are mice?" Fabian asked, looking around for a bit. "_Personally_, I see more nargles than mice."

"Nargles don't exist."

"You know they do. You're just denying the truth. Lying to yourself, like the ministry. They _do _bake house elves into pies! They just won't admit it to themselves, or anyone else for that matter!"

Gideon rolled his eyes at his brother's outburst. Better get off the topic before he started to get on about the Rumple Horned Schnorkacks, or whatnot. "There are mice, and I won't be forced to live with them!"

"How do you know there are mice? Have you seen them?"

"No."

"Then how do you know if you haven't"-

"Because a mouse got into my cookies!" Gideon exclaimed frustratedly. He liked those cookies that their older sister, Molly, had sent them, along with a note from her sons.

Fabian snorted. "A mouse named Sirius."

"Wait… Sirius stole my cookies?"

A nod from Fabian, who bit his lip in concentration, while turning the magazine upside down, to do some stupid brain teaser in the magazine.

"How do you know this?"

"I saw him."

Gideon clenched his fists to control his anger. "You _saw _him stealing my cookies, and you didn't _stop _him? _Charlie_ helped bake these, you know!"

Fabian shrugged. "He gave me a nargle in return."

Gideon stomped forward, and snatched the magazine out of his brother's hand. "You idiot! You gave my cookies to Black! For nothing!"

"It is not nothing!" Fabian protested.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Gideon drawled. "I completely understand. You gave my cookies away for a speck of dust."

Fabian made a noise of disgust as he reached for his magazine. "Non-believers! You guys are idiots! Do you not realize the worth of a nargle?"

"There is no nargle!"

"You may be able to see, but you apparently can't _see_!"

"That makes no sense at all."

Fabian rolled his eyes, muttering something to the effect of "idiotic, doubting, imbeciles".

"Thanks, Fabian. You make me feel so warm and fuzzy on the inside."

"Are you infected with nargles?" Fabian said suddenly, with concern.

"No. Now, I'm going to get to the bottom of this cookie thing."

"Can I at least have my magazine back?"

"No," and on the spur of the moment, Gideon ripped the glossy pages of the magazine right down the middle.

"Hey! You're going to have to pay for that!"

"No, I won't."

"I'll make Molly tell you to get me a new issue!"

"Fabian, I'm afraid that she'll be all too willing to be on my side of this particular _issue_."

Fabian pouted, and fell back onto the bed, crossing his arms, and sitting cross-legged, very much resembling a three-year old right after a temper tantrum.

Gideon took a few large steps, and was soon out of the sixth year dormitory, door slammed behind him, and outside of the seventh year dormitory.

He carefully cracked open the door, aware that even the manliest of men can, at times, resemble women during 'that time of the month'.

Fortunately, this wasn't one of those times.

Gideon entered the room, and all eyes wandered leisurely over to him, as he found the item of his rage.

"My cookies!" he exclaimed. "Black did steal my cookies!"

On Sirius' bed, lay a medium-sized tin of the best cookies man has ever known. But, apparently, Sirius had realized this.

"No! They're mine now! Finders keepers, losers weepers!"

"Black, you found them in my room, in my trunk. They weren't exactly what I'd call lost."

"What _you'd _call lost. I say they _were_, in fact, lost. They were looking for a person to love them and cherish them. Like me, for example."

"Padfoot," James sighed. "Just give Prewett back the cookies."

"But I want cookies!"

"Then go to the kitchens," Remus pointed out.

"But that'd require so much more effort than"-

James silenced Sirius with a glare, and all was understood.

"I'll just get the cookies then," Gideon muttered, and started heading over to the cookies.

"No!" Sirius said. "I'll get them! Perfect chance to practice my bed jumping skills!"

The other marauders groaned, and Gideon sensed this might be the cause of all the loud bangs from above his dormitory.

Sirius flattened his hair back, and sank a bit into his knees, preparing for what he was about to do. He launched himself up, and the momentum was perfect, but the aim was off. He hit the corner of Frank's bed, and rolled into the side of his bed, where he lay half under his bed, and half flattened onto the bed skirt.

"Hey!" his muffled voice cried. "Look what I found!"

Before anyone could ask what it was, Sirius rolled back from underneath, clutching a red sparkly thing, that all others immediately moaned at, Gideon excluded.

"It's the flapper dress! My superhero costume! Remember, _SuperPotter_?" Sirius asked, winking at James. "It's perfect!"

What in Merlin's saggy arse Black was talking about, Gideon had absolutely no clue.

So, he just proceeded with fetching his cookies as Sirius went on about Frank wearing it, or something. Which was a scary image, so Gideon went to his happy place; Emmeline with him on the beach.

And what a coincidence that Frank walked in at that moment, his hair every which way, which was quite uncharacteristic of him, and looking vaguely disoriented.

This caused some whistling from the others there, as though Frank had just done something impressive and courageous (not a very uncommon thing in Gryffindor).

"You did it! Finally!" Remus said, slapping Frank on the back as he passed.

"I want to see the stuff!" Sirius cheered.

"What happened?" James added.

"Well, it turns out I know have a date with Emmeline Vance.," Frank said off-handedly.

Gideon blanked. "_What?_" he choked out. How did this guy have a date with _his_ Emmeline? Er, that is, his _crush._ Emmeline wasn't anyone's property… And, anyway, how could he be so offhand about it! Emmeline was a godess! To be worshipped! A date with her was an honor, a privilege for-

"You!" Frank accused, after wildly spinning around, and pointing a finger at Gideon. "You have a date with Alice."

"They say this like it's an insult," James murmured curiously.

"Get me some popcorn," Sirius muttered, enraptured in the drama (which wasn't actually that dramatic, but it wasn't like this was taking place in L.A., or a soap opera, or the girls' dormitories, or something).

Gideon's eyes popped. He had a date with Alice. How could he have forgotten? She was going to think he hated her now! And he didn't. She was nice, just, not Emmeline. He thought dating her might help him get to know Emmeline.

But now she was dating someone else. So, he might as well learn to fancy Alice instead.

Gideon rushed out of the room, slamming the door behind him, without so much as a goodbye.

When he got down to the common room, Alice was sitting on a couch, legs pulled up.

"Sorry I'm late," he panted, sliding into the seat next to her.

Alice smiled at him. It was a nice smile. The type of smile that was small, but it meant so much more. One of those smiles that made you instantly like someone. "It's alright."

Gideon tried to respond, but he just couldn't seem to think of anything to say. He glanced away, and hoped Alice wouldn't think he hated her now.

The pair sat in an awkward silence until Alice piped up. "I like your package. The pictures are very nice."

Gideon for a second had no clue what Alice was talking about. Then he looked down. He was still holding the tin of cookies Molly had sent to him. "Thanks."

"Do you have little siblings?"

"Oh, no. I'm the youngest, by four minutes. Though, it always seems as though Fabian's a younger brother."

Alice laughed. "Then who are the pictures from?"

"Oh, my nephews. I have an older sister, you see."

"You're so lucky! I wish I had siblings, but I don't. If I didn't have Tina, I don't know what I'd do."

"Tina?" Gideon asked in confusion.

"My toad. She's the best pet ever. I also have a bunch of plants. Do you have any pets?"

"Well… do you count Fabian? Cause sometime- no, most of the time, I count him."

Alice snorted. "Wow. I guess I'm not missing too much in the siblings department, then?"

"No. Although, I like my older sister."

"She must be so useful in the make-up and hair department," Alice sniggered.

Gideon laughed. "I think Fabian might have learned something from her. But he really loves her husband."

"Ooohh… Is your family like one of those American muggle soap opera things? You know, with a bunch of incest, weird love triangles, and gay guys?"

Gideon was laughing so hard he couldn't reply.

"Because, I mean, if your brother ends up gay, I wonder…. Would he help me in the fashion department? Maybe help me find some good sales?"

Gideon's chortles finally started slowing down, and he finally spit out a mangled version of, "Well, actually, he works with muggles."

"Oh," was all Alice said, sounding genuinely disappointed.

"His two life's ambitions are to find how airplanes stay up, and the purpose of rubber duckies," Gideon added, trying to get another laugh out of her, to no avail.

"You just ruined my day," Alice sighed melodramatically, making Gideon start chuckling again. "I never want to see you again. Your family is too boring for me!"

"Here," Gideon said. "Will a cookie cheer you up?"

Alice took the cookie, and nibbled on it, and after a bit or two, she looked up, astonished. "This is delicious!"

In her astonishment, part of the cookie fell down, and Gideon reached forward to pick up the crumbs.

"What, do you think that four year olds can't bake?" Gideon asked, his face right in front of Alice's. "Because, well… you're right. My sister was the one who baked these."

"Oh."

Gideon realized that now would be the perfect moment to kiss her. All he had to do was lean forward, and incline his head right at that angle. Her lips were right there-

"Hey, you didn't let me have a cookie!" demanded a voice.

Gideon glimpsed upwards. It was an impertinent looking Sirius Black, hands on hips and everything. Behind him were a nervous looking Frank Longbottom and Emmeline Vance, talking to each other.

"Black!" Frank hissed. "You shouldn't be interrupting them!"

Sirius backed away sheepishly, and reverted into a corner, where there were smallish underclassmen to push around. And that was meant in both the literal and figurative sense.

So. It was back to Alice's lips. They were right there, and so kissable.

But, Gideon couldn't. Alice was pretty, and nice. But kissing her would be like kissing Molly.

Gideon turned away his head, and sunk back down into his seat.

"Alice, I'm sorry," he said. "Would you understand if I said I couldn't kiss you?"

Alice smiled at him, and held onto his shoulders, looking him straight in the eye. "I would understand perfectly, Gideon."

Gideon slouched down in a happy sense of relief. "Phew."

"My sentiments exactly," Alice agreed.

"I just… You seem more like a friend than a girlfriend."

"I know," Alice nodded. "I think I like someone else… and it's pretty obvious you like someone else. May I be so bold as to ask who?"

"Pinky swear you won't rip out her guts or something in jealousy?"

Alice snorted. "I'd probably clap her on the back and congratulate her for being one lucky girl to have a guy like you."

"Well… it's Emmeline. I know. I shouldn't like your best friend"-

Alice silenced him with a finger. "I'm glad it's Emmeline. She deserves someone like you."

Gideon smiled at Alice.

"Well, why are you still here? Go her, tiger!"

Gideon grinned widely as Alice hugged him, and he hugged her tightly back.

"It was great talking to you," he said. "Still friends?"

"Of course. But why aren't you chasing a certain girl with a certain name that is certainly Vance?"

Gideon beamed at her one last time and rushed off towards Frank and Emmeline.

"…and she's my best friend. Imagine how awful I feel," Emmeline was saying to Frank. "Ever feel that what you want was never meant to be?"

"You bet," Frank snorted in response.

Gideon breathed in deeply, and walked up to the pair, hoping Frank had gotten a manicure that day, or something else that would stop him from clawing Gideon's guts out.

"Hi, Emmeline," he said, braving a small smile.

"Hi," she breathed back.

"Wait, wait, wait," Frank interrupted. And that was when Gideon knew his fairy tale was over. "I'm an impatient person, you see," Frank continued. "And I want to get this over with, as I'm not big on mush."

And that was when Gideon got confused.

"Okay, Gideon, are you here to announce to the world, or at least, everyone in hearing distance, which will equal the world once the gossip starts going, which I bet is about now, that you are utterly, and uncontrollably in love with Emmeline here?"

Gideon was really baffled now. "Er… maybe?" he said, not sure of what to say. Emmeline looked so disheartened at that, that he added, "But, if I did love her, it wouldn't be uncontrollably, because I would have no desire to control it."

"Aw… That's sweet," Alice commented, walking up behind the three. "Maybe I should have claimed Gideon for my own if these are the sweet nothings he'd be whispering into my ear."

"Whoa, hold up," Emmeline said, suddenly. "You _didn't_ claim Gideon for yourself?"

"Nope," Alice said, shaking her head. "He's still a bachelor."

"Does that make a difference?" Gideon asked, cautiously.

"Yes. It makes a world of difference," Emmeline exclaimed, impatiently. "Because of that, I find it perfectly suitable, and to my taste, to do this."

And Emmeline kissed Gideon directly on the mouth.

"Why don't we give them some room?" Alice suggested to Frank, and it was the last comment Gideon heard for a while, as he was to busy enjoying pure ecstasy to bother with anything so trivial as his sense of hearing. Or sight for that matter. All he wanted to do was remember exactly how Emmeline smelt, felt, and tasted at that precise moment.

When the two did separate, smiling, Gideon was a bit overwhelmed with his new ability to see and hear. And he did see and hear several things, as the room was currently in a bit of uproar.

Alice and Frank had walked away together, he saw. And he also saw that there seemed to be many rumors spreading around about what other than Emmeline and him.

There were also some seventh years in deep debate in the corner, both males and females, including the marauders, and James Potter's girlfriend and her friends.

And one of the things he could hear from one of those groups as he talked to Emmeline, was Sirius Black saying, "There's one more thing that I think should be added to the dare…"

OOOOO

"Whoa… whoa. Hold up, Lily-kins," Marlene said, adding the nickname she had adopted from Sirius a few months back, to the blubbering redhead. "Did you just say _James?_"

The blubbering girl nodded miserably.

"_James?_ You didn't mean to say Theodore, or Lucius, or something? Though… why you'd even be dating Malfoy in the first place is beyond me. Or maybe Harry? Does James have some distant cousin named Harry? Harry Potter? Oooh… that sounds good. Whenever you have a baby with James, you should name him Harry."

This, though to Marlene it seemed quite nice and endearing, seemed to be the wrong thing to have said to Lily Evans, also, more commonly known as James Potter's girlfriend… except now she would technically be James Potter's _ex-_girlfriend.

Yes. Someone broke up with _the_ James Potter. Shocking, as Marlene only knew too well.

When the news had spread around that Lily was dating James Potter, many people fainted on the spot, and several (including Peter and an assortment of small first years) dived under tables in order to protect themselves from the imminent apocalypse.

But, the populace of Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, soon warmed up to the idea of James and Lily as an item, and the pair were soon unofficially crowned the "It" couple. Of course, this is with the obvious exclusion of the hoards of pre- and post- pubescent girls, who could usually be found pounding on the Fat Lady's portrait (who is usually found seeking refuge in a nearby painting, a hassle for all Gryffindors), trying to break in, and claw Lily's eyes out.

But, the idea of Lily breaking up with James was now so controversial, so completely absurd that even the strongest of the TSOTBTJPIOMDAWSASBATCHICSAWCAMCOOEWBHIMer's (The Society Of The Belief That James Potter Is Our Manifest Destiny, And We Shall All Soon Be Able To Cover Him In Chocolate Sauce, And Whipped Cream, And Maraschino Cherries On Our Every Whim, Because He Is MINE!) would immediately dismiss.

So of course Marlene was shocked. She was astonished. She was indignant. She was a bit disappointed. She wasn't too happy. She was also a bit horny. But that last one doesn't really matter in the big picture of things, and she didn't want that in print, thank you very much, so she was just going to pretend she didn't say that.

Anyway, Marlene wanted the best for her friend, and she believed strongly in the fact that the best for Lily was James Potter. If not James, she'd be forced into settling for someone like Frank, who walks around with heritage from a bunch of dead guys who had long, droopy arses. And that was most definitely not the best for Lily. Not to Marlene, anyway.

But, Marlene digressed. She was getting off topic in her mind, when she should be consoling Lily, who was currently sobbing quietly into one of Marlene's sweaters, that she had found on the bed.

A designer sweater, by the way. A cashmere designer sweater. That was so going to stain. And what if Lily got snot on it? Oh Merlin, no. Lily may be Marlene's best friend, but that sweater cost nearly two hundred pounds!

Wait, Marlene thought to herself. Back to business. Ignore the candy bar sticking out of the trunk over there.

While Marlene was battling with herself over whether to get the chocolate or not, Lily stared talking. "You know what the worst part was?"

Marlene paused for a second, looking up from her crouched position, ready to pounce on the candy, and tackle it until she consumed it whole, to ask, "What?"

Lily looked so utterly miserable as she looked up (and when she did look up, Marlene was struck with the thought that she could definitely win any dog show with those puppy-dog eyes) she sighed, and replied, "I knew it was going to happen. I knew it, but rejected it. I thought it was so stupid. And now I'm the one that looks stupid."

Marlene suddenly decided to postpone her argument with herself about the chocolate, and sat down next to Lily, wrapping an arm around her desolate friend. "Lily, Lily, Lily… I'm sorry."

Lily buried her head into Marlene's shoulder, and just cried for a minute or two.

When Lily looked as if she didn't have many more tears in her, Marlene asked, " Do mind telling me why- or, how you knew?"

Lily swallowed, and looked Marlene in the eye, bringing her legs up to her chest and hugging them. "Well. He was always being so damn cheesy! It was like he never bothered thinking up anything original. You know, he's been like this since before we started dating. _A lily for my Lily_. Oh my Merlin, I can't believe I fell for that!"

Marlene smiled a bit. "Lily! Tacky doesn't always equal zero love on his part. Maybe the guy's just uncreative. Not got the muse. Most guys don't have it, and you know it."

"But, he's a marauder. He does those pranks and everything! He's creative for that! Why not for me?"

"Oh," was all Marlene could think to say.

"And that's it! He's a marauder! He was always bound to go wandering… Just look at Sirius."

"Black's an idiot," Marlene said. "James actually knows what he wants, Lily. And that's you."

"Well, it didn't seem like that a bit ago!" Lily declared, in a way that clearly stated that was the end of that debate.

"It's you choice," Marlene said softly. "But, you had no doubts about James only this morning, and now… I mean, is there like, uh, something that made you change your mind?"

Lily muttered something along the lines of, "…that bloody first year…"

Marlene nodded, and decided to stay off the subject now. All that mattered was Lily's happiness right now. Marlene had never seen Lily so worked up over a guy, any guy.

After a bit, Lily said, "So, isn't it odd that now, out of all of us, Frank's the only one with a date?"

Marlene shook her head. "Frank no longer ahs a date. Emmeline went off kissing Gideon Prewett."

Lily winced. "Poor Frank."

"Actually, from what I heard, he was encouraging Emmeline to go after him."

Lily snorted. "That's our Frank. Always trying to do the right thing."

"Like not reproducing. We don't want more people with droopy arses wandering around."

Lily shook her head amusedly at Marlene. "You are messed up."

Marlene smiled at the comment, but couldn't help in thinking that Lrlene shook her looked more messed up. Like she was suddenly depressed. Marlene swallowed at the bitter taste in her throat. And, as quickly as she made the rapid decision to end the debate on the chocolate bar, she stood up, and announced to Lily, "I'm going downstairs."

Lily nodded, and murmured something about doing her History of Magic homework, which was completely stupid because Marlene knew that Lily had already finished her essay for that class.

But, Marlene said nothing, and on her way to the door, grabbed the chocolate bar, taking a large bite out of it as she jumped down the stairs, with full intention of finding, and possibly (hopefully) lynching that idiotic first year.

She headed straight over the corner where all the first years hung out. As she approached, many of them stared in awe at the upperclassman, and a few genuflected, for they were honored to be in the presence of someone like Marlene. And Marlene bathed in the glory, because, to her, it was all due. Marlene was just awesome like that.

"Okay, twerps," she said, as the genuflecting stopped. "I'm looking for an idiotic first year. Know any?"

Almost synchronized, the first years all pointed to a first year behind them, who was drooling, and looking off into the distance strangely.

Marlene shook her head. "Not it."

One of the first years began to speak up, but Marlene shook her head again.

"Not Rita Skeeter. I'm looking for a Gryffindor."

There was a chorus of 'ohhh's. But, still, no one knew which first year it was.

On her last straw, Marlene said, "This first year probably spoke to Lily Evans. Anyone spoken to her here? She has red hair, green eyes, if that helps?"

"Ohhh," came a voice all the way on the end.

Marlene looked down the row of first years, and there was a know-it-all looking first year at the end of the line.

"You. You said 'oh'. What exactly does 'oh' mean, now?"

"You're talking about James Potter's girlfriend, aren't you?"

"James Potter's _ex-_girlfriend," Marlene said tightly.

"So, it's finally happened, hasn't it?" the first year asked casually, whereas all the other first years around him were wide-eyed and gasping at the news.

"What's his name?" Marlene asked a girl near her.

"Smith. Zane Smith."

"Well, my dear new acquaintances, it seems that Smith is going to be coming with me for a bit of _fun_."

Marlene grabbed him by the wrist, and pulled, and stomped off towards the boys dormitories, to the shock of the first years (a few second years were wolf-whistling in the background… first years, so innocent, until they become second years).

When she got to the stairs, she heaved Smith up to the top, to the seventh year room, and banged the door open.

As soon as she did, Sirius exclaimed, "Retreat, Frank! Retreat!" and the bathroom door soon shut closed, with Frank and Sirius inside. Outside of the bathroom, Remus was focusing intently on a book, and James was staring, melancholy, at a ceramic pot. Boys were weird.

"James," Marlene said to the sad looking Gryffindor.

James looked up, surprised. "Sorry… I guess I blanked out there."

From the corner, Remus snickered quietly, muttering, "Then you've been blanking out for the past hour."

"So, are you here to yell at me or something? Because if so, Lily didn't tell you the whole story."

Marlene shook her head. "No. I'm here because I think that you two belong together."

"Then you've missed the newsflash," James replied. "We broke up, you know. And usually, when that happens, it's because the couple doesn't think they belong together."

"Yeah. And I'm queen of the world. So what? You can get past that. You guys were just thinking stupidly. I can still murder the king, and become king, and you can still get back with Lily. You just aren't thinking right."

"No, I think he's thinking right," said Smith, from behind Marlene. "His _ex-_girlfriend was never that pretty. James Potter could get a supermodel if he wanted to."

"Excuse me?" James asked, indignantly. "Did you just call Lily ugly?"

"See?" Marlene asked desperately. "You do still care about her!"

"Who is that freak, anyway?" James asked. "Don't tell me. It's Lily's new boyfriend?"

"You're an idiot," Marlene said, rolling her eyes, and deciding to toss a pillow at James. And she did just so, hitting James hard in the head.

"Okay! What? What do you so desperately need me to know?" James asked, sitting upright, cracking at last.

"Lily was tricked into thinking that you were going to leave her, and that you didn't love her, and all that crap by this pathetic, idiotic excuse for a human being standing right her next to me!" Marlene cried out at top speed.

"What?!" James asked angrily.

"It's all this kid's fault!" Marlene exclaimed, gesturing at Smith.

"So, you're saying, Lily and I would still be happy, and together, if it weren't for this idiot?"

"Yes! I've been trying to get that into you head for a while now!" Marlene drawled.

"Well, then I have to get Lily back!" James exclaimed, jumping to his feet.

"Go ahead! I'm not blocking you!"

"Wait…" James said, and Marlene's heart sunk. "Why does she think that when I do cheesy stuff for her, it means I don't love her?"

Marlene smiled a bit. "She thinks you don't want to bother being original for her."

James' mouth formed an o, and he ran down the stairs, first stopping at the door to say, "Leave Smith with Sirius and Remus and Peter to be accordingly punished."

Marlene turned to Remus, who shrugged. "Hand him over. Sirius is perfecting Frank, and last I heard of Peter, he was looking for cheese."

"Oh! Is Frank's, er, _act_ going to be soon?" Marlene asked excitedly.

"Very soon."

"Well, I'll see you then!"

Marlene hurried down the stairs, and ran up into the girls' dormitories, to find Lily. Lily couldn't miss this. Not in a million years.

As Marlene burst into the dormitory, she found Lily doing homework. Surprise, surprise.

"Lily! I have something you have to see!"

"I'm sort of in the middle of something, now," Lily said, focusing on her paper.

"It's only extra credit, isn't it?"

"Well, why shouldn't I"-

"This is getting sickening, Lily. You are coming with me whether you like it or not!"

"But, I… Potter… I don't want"-

"Excuse me," a loud voice said, from no one in the room, and sounding a lot like McGonagall. "All Gryffindors please report down to the common room."

And, sadly, that was when Lily put down her pen, and marched out the door, and down the stairs to the common room.

Marlene sighed at her friend's stubbornness, and followed.

But, in the common rooms, it was not Professor McGonagall commanding attention, but James Potter standing on a table, saying, "Nice trick of mine, huh?"

Lily groaned, and tried to walk back up the stairs, but Marlene held her back, and, instead, decided to push her up closer to the front.

"So, we marauders, out of the goodness in our hearts, have decided to give you a little entertainment. Unfortunately, not much in the terms of pranking, but there may be _some _lynching."

And the crowd went wild.

"And, continuing," James said, "the main event of the evening shall be the unveiling of a new Gryffindor!"

There were murmurs of confusion now, throughout the excitement.

"She will only be with us for an evening, and then, at midnight, her Cinderella story shall come to an end. And yes, it's a she. A she who shall join the seventh year Gryffindor she's, along with the lovely Lily Evans!"

There were a few 'awww's, and Marlene saw that next to her, Lily was blushing profusely, and angrily. "I can't believe he seriously thinks this will work on me…" she was muttering to herself.

"Now, I think I shall go off topic here," James said. "See, Lily and I broke up earlier today."

Many gasps, and faints, and deaths out of shock in the crowd, Marlene noted.

"But, we really should be together. Only this little piece of first year scum tried his best to make us break up!"

Remus dragged Smith up by his ear, and James pointed to Smith, who was getting many boo's all of a sudden.

"But, I don't think I really want to break up, you see," James said. "So who wants to help me get her back?"

Suddenly, people from all sides were pushing forward Lily, and Marlene was right there, helping. Lily cringed as she ended up right in front of James, and Marlene quietly cackled evilly.

James, still on the table, bent down on one knee, and there were screeches all around, from many girls.

"Nice," said the girl next to Marlene. "Very nice."

"Hey, you're Alice, aren't you?" Marlene asked.

"Yeah… and you're Frank's friend?"

"The one and only," Marlene smiled.

"Cool."

"No, seriously. Frank doesn't have many friends. I'm the only one."

"I'll have to keep that in mind," Alice said.

The two turned back to James, who was saying, "Lily, will you marry me"-

Faints all around, and cries of "Noooo!" from many girls.

-"in five years?"

Lily smiled shyly. "Okay."

"She said yes!" James cheered, standing up, and pumping his fist.

"On two conditions!"

"Oh," James said, kneeling back down.

"First, only if we're dating in five years. And second, if I've stopped my affair with Sirius by then," Lily added, smiling mischievously.

"Same time, same place tonight, baby?" Sirius asked, climbing onto the table.

James, without even looking back, shoved Sirius off, to general amusement. "Sure, Lily."

Lily bit her lip. "I was stupid. I'm sorry, James."

"Whoa!" Sirius cried from under the table. "She called you James!"

"Don't get used to it," Lily said sweetly.

"Here, let's leave these two lovebirds to each other," Peter said, climbing onto the table, munching on a bit of cheese (confirming the fact that he had been out looking for cheese earlier).

Lily pulled James off the table, and they were off to find a remote corner. Marlene smiled after them, giving Lily a thumbs-up.

"So… Now, ready to lynch the scum?" Peter asked, pushing Smith off the table. The crowd eagerly swarmed around him, in an attempt to get a piece of 'the first year scum'.

Once they were all done (and it was pretty certain Smith was going to end getting a transfer to another school), Peter announced, "And now the unveiling of the new Gryffindor!"

A red pump appeared on the staircase.

"Everyone! The marauders introduce you to Frankie Longbottom, currently modeling a red Gucci dress, circa 1920!"

Frank- or Frankie, walked down the staircase in a bright red flapper dress.

Beside Marlene, Alice was speechless.

"Don't forget your lipgloss, Frankie!" Remus called.

'Frankie' sighed, and leaned over, puckering 'her' lips, and applied a coat of lipgloss.

"I have lipgloss exactly like that," Alice commented offhandedly.

"And, guess what, folks?" Peter asked the crowd of Gryffindors. "Frankie has a little surprise for you!"

'Frankie' on cue, turned around, and pulled down the zipper to the dress, to many whistles, and cat-calls. The slinky dress fell down, and 'Frankie' turned back around.

Marlene couldn't help but giggle. Here, standing in front of her, was Frank Longbottom, one of her best friends, clad in only a hot pink bra and thong (which was over a pair of boxers- thank Merlin), and lipgloss, don't forget the lipgloss.

"Bloddy hell," Alice said, eyes widening.

"I bet you like the sight-seeing right now, huh?" Marlene asked, nudging Alice suggestively.

"No… well, yes, actually… but that's _my _underwear!"

"Oh. Well, then. You might be in need of a underwear burning party, then."

"And," Peter continued, "Frankie wants to tell you all something."

Frank blushed, and turned away.

"Well, if Frankie doesn't tell you, I suppose we will. Frankie's in love with a rather unfortunate young lady. Yes, I know. Young lady. And this young lady's name happens to be"-

"Alice," Frank blurted out.

Alice reddened, but smiled up at Frank.

Frank descended the stairs, taking off the bra and thong, to the disapproval of the marauders, who were ordering him to put them back on.

"Alice," he said, taking Alice's hands. "Will you go out with me?"

"Sure."

Marlene stared down at the pink thong and bra. "I'm going to go burn these now. Fork over your matches, Black."

-&-

AN: Whoa… that took me forever to type up. I'm glad it's finished! Happy (belated) Halloween! And only three days until Obama's elected next president (I'm going to look so stupid if McCain's elected…). Well, political leanings aside, I think that you guys deserve a sequel to Boxers, Razors, and a Pair of Tweezers. And I'm proud of this story. It's over 20,000 words long! Thanks for reading, and I'd be very much obliged if you'd be so kind as to leave a review. I always love to hear your favorite lines!


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